If you’ve seen one Santa, you’ve seen a mall.
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I was in long distance relationship for eight years with my Mr. before we got married. So, believe me when I tell you, I’ve never missed anyone as much as I miss my cleaning lady.
Me: [sobbing] Don’t you have anything left to give me? Are you that empty inside? How can you be so cold?
Fridge: Boy, you knew who I wuz.
You know a corn maze is going to be intense when it has a missing-child poster at the entrance.
there are no buff wizards in Harry Potter, no gym in Hogwarts, no-one does a push-up at any point. I could crack Ron Weasley’s spine like a glowstick
“On second thoughts… I’m not hungry!”
Idk guys, life has never thrown me lemons.
Social anxiety, insomnia, mental breakdowns, drugs and eating disorders..
But never lemons.
[At historic site]
Guide: Questions?
Me: What’s the wifi password?
G: I meant about 19th century life.
M: Oh….Dost thou have thy password?
Me: Shall I buy flowers for the housewarming?
Wife: Orchids?
Me: Where am I supposed to buy children?
He died doing what he loved — screaming for help and punching a bear.
It is completely unreasonable that family members are expecting me to remember things like what the names of their kids are.
Preposterous.
Oh, your kids sit down and eat dinner? That’s cool. Mine perform interpretive dance in the kitchen while their food gets cold.
I saw an image of Jesus in my breakfast burrito. I asked myself, what would Jesus do? And so I ate him. Two hours later… Holy Shit!
[Sherwood Forest]
LITTLE JOHN: Go through it one more time for me
ROBIN HOOD: Ok…we rob from the rich…
LITTLE JOHN: Right
ROBIN HOOD: …and we give to the poor
LITTLE JOHN: And then we rob them
ROBIN HOOD: What? No! Why would we do that?
LITTLE JOHN: Cause now they rich.
Told my boss at work I had three companies looking at me and asked for a raise, so of course out of curiosity she asked me which three companies.
Managing to keep a straight face I told her Gas, Water, and Electric.
[first date]
HER: I like classic cars
ME: ugh do not get me started on the sequels
My 8 year old daughter hasn’t stopped talking in 32 years
[During sex]
Me: * ˢᶦᵍʰʰʰ*
Him: Ok… Wanna role play?
Me: Sure, you’re a musician
Him: Oooh! Which one?!
Me: Bono
Him: Why Bono?
Me: You still haven’t found what you’re looking for.
5 and I are playing “guess the number I’m thinking of” with no limits and no clues. He’s guessing sequentially from 1. Talk next week, guys!
Doctor: You have bronchitis
Me: OMG I’ve always wanted a dinosaur!What do I feed it?
peeping toms
The real power of a man…
Is the size of the smile on his woman’s face sitting next to him.
You say tomato soup. I say ketchup soup. Cause the three year old won’t eat tomato soup.
[Therapy]
Me: “What do you mean I might have ‘psychopathic tendencies’?”
Therapist: “Why don’t you turn off your chainsaw, so we can hear each other better?”
I created a series of recipes that cause diarrhea. I call them cleanses. It’s all about branding.
Any other person cuts their thumb: “Expletive!”
Me, a Catholic person: “Expletive! To thee do we cry, poor banished children of Eve!”
One minute you’re young and carefree and the next you’re stuck on a park fence you thought you could still jump over 😬🤭
Currently arguing with my toddler over how to spell the letter “A” if you’re thinking about having kids
In Russia, Pokemon find you.
My favorite part of The Little Mermaid is when Ariel signs a contract fully aware of the terms then kills the other party to get out of it.
If you think there’s nothing better than sex, you’ve never had a cop turn on his lights behind you and then pull over someone else.