Flex on your relatives by answering their phone call.
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Forgot to tie my bikini top back before I stood up from sunbathing on the beach. Now I know how to get help carrying my chairs to the car.
If you truly want my undivided attention start to tell me something then say never mind
I hope no one murders you..but if they do, I hope it’s quick and interesting enough to get you on Dateline.
TEACHER: what’s your favorite color?
ME: my favorite color is turkwoyse
TEACHER: spell it
ME: actually my favorite color is red
If your dress suddenly turns into rags at midnight while you’re being driven home by a bunch of mice on a pumpkin, you’re not Cinderella, you’re drunk.
*Removes smoke detector battery
**Cooks in silence
[first date]
Me: I collect taxidermy
Him: Really, taxidermy?
Me: It’s a family thing[later, at my place]
Me: Feel free to hang your coat on my stepmom
♫ she’s just a small time girl
workin at Jurassic Woooorld
opened a raptor cage
now they’re everywhere ♫
They wrote “Kevin” on my coffee cup lol how do you get “Kevin” from “David” not to mention they got my order completely wrong
“Terrible twos” is such a misleading phrase. It makes it sound like other ages are better.
They say treat others how you would like to be treated.
Now I have to go out on a date with a guy and treat him like a princess.
Whenever my teen cleans his room, I get a brand new set of dishes.
Jumped over a puddle with an accidentally flamboyant step today, if anyone’s currently casting a production of “West Side Story.”
the sequel to “Up” should be called “Up 2: No Good” who do I tell this to
I got a Ouija board tattooed on my back to trick ghosts into giving me massages.
The lack of paparazzi at this BBQ makes me think that my aunt can probably stop referring to her potato salad as “famous.”
trying to cheat on my philosophy final by texting my friend who took it last year: “hey man, how ought one to live”
Pro tip:
Don’t drop the remote on your wife’s face when she falls asleep in your lap
the guy inventing artificial banana flavor: whatever close enough
Vin Diesel: Is it fast?
Car Salesman: Yes, sir. It is very fast.
Vin Diesel: Oh yeah? *leans in close* Is it furious?
[ explaining The Plan ]
jesus: ok i gotta be honest, you lost me at the giant rabbit with eggs
god: look man, these ppl are idiots
Had my novel “Noah: The Early Years” rejected. They said the story lacks an ark.
Baby ducks are “ducklings”, baby pigs are “piglets”, and baby humans are “annoying.”
alfred: you have emphysema
batman: how?
alfred: probably from using smoke bombs to get out of scary situations
batman: oh
alfred:
batman: *slowly reaches for smoke bomb*
alfred: sir
sick of our media’s unrealistic portrayal of Boomerangs , which are weak as shit in real life
Whenever I’m ordering takeout they ask if I need three sets of utensils and the answer is always obviously yes
Hot tip for dog owners:
Be on the lookout for “whale eyes.” If your dog has whale eyes, this is BAD SIGN. That is not your dog, it is a whale pretending to be your dog and you are in IMMEDIATE DANGER
Shake what your mama gave you.
*turkey soup from a cool whip container just flies everywhere
Guy- What’s your sign?
Me- Stop