My son just hugged me.
Him: You smell good.
Me: Like what?
Him: *sniffs* You smell like love.
Me: *heart melts* Lets go to Toys R Us.
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doctor: your heart rate is a little high, have you exercised today?
me: does sex count?
doctor: yes
me: then no
My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 🙁
I can’t help but get a little offended whenever my computer suddenly decides to ask me to prove who I am. Oh really, you need a password now, after everything we’ve googled together…
Actually parents are supposed to steal their kid’s Halloween candy; that’s how you prevent cavities.
Me: How can I make this funny?
Them: Change what funny is.
You’re right autocorrect. Much is gracias.
Me: my fitbit broke
Sales Guy: how
Me: i put it on my dog’s tail and asked him who’s a good boy
Sales Guy: if i give you a new one can i see
13 years ago I ordered an m&m blizzard at Dairy Queen and the lady who took my order screamed “ONE SMALL M&M BLIZZARD!!!” at the top of her lungs then immediately turned around and started making it herself and it’s still the funniest thing that has ever happened to me
OKAY DAD
If boarding school taught me anything it’s how to get on planes and trains.
I have passed 4 levels of the interview process for a new job, and the final step is a personality assessment, so that’s unfortunate.
I just know Amazon drivers be like.. THIS HOUSE AGAIN ???
My OnlyFans is just me loading the dishwasher correctly.
I overheard two female coworkers say there was a creepy dude listening to their conversation.
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
I only eat free range chicken because I only eat food that was given the illusion of freedom before it was murdered
Therapist: How are you feeling?
Me: Rage
Therapist: What is bringing you rage?
Me: My kids, my husband, the sound the refrigerator makes, the endless laundry, zoom calls and the debilitating fear of contracting Covid-19. Oh and I miss Starbucks and the outside world.
Me: “God! I hate people!”
God: “Yeah, me too.”
I’m convinced that this trip to Toronto will end with my being arrested for not being nice enough.
The first person to throw out bath water: Uh oh.
me, to shovel salesman: [at a shovel store] how’s this do with like dirt & stuff?
shovel salesman: i’m not gonna bullshit you it’s pretty good
I’m feeling weak. I’ve got chills. With Valentine’s Day so close, love is in the air. So is the flu though. I sure hope it’s the flu.
We all know cake and pie are not the same thing so if I ask for cake and you give me pie I’ll probably definitely still eat it.
Farmer: if you want to fix that soil you have to fertilize it properly
Landscaper: sounds like bullshit
Farmer: yes exactly
them: the new Batman film will be totally raw and gritty
me:
Jesus: Go forth. You are now fishers of men.
Peter: *harpoons a guy*
Jesus: Too literal, bro.
[while laying in the tub for 35 minutes] what about a cologne that smells like cereal?
[adding more hot water to the tub] but what cereal?
At a restaurant I thought a family was praying at the table but then I realized they were all texting.
The number of people I have accidentally assaulted while talking with my hands is less than fifty, probably.
Definitely less than a hundred.
Has anybody tried unplugging Congress and then plugging it back in??