A chilling warning for the old people in my village.
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The beauty industry:
For men: This can be used as a shampoo, body wash, face wash, lotion, mouth wash, tooth paste, engine degreaser, spackle, or sunscreen
For women: We’ve specially formulated this moisturizer for your left elbow
You can’t run a country like a business. If you did, you’d have to pay profits to investors, meaning citizens. And that’s socialism! Bye!
a whale can launch it’s entire body out of the ocean and you have trouble getting out of bed in the morning
COMPUTER: HINT: name of best friend
ME: Jen
C: Jen sounds nice
M: Wh-what?
C: Is Jen single?
M: Uh…
C: Answer the question. Is Jen single?
What kinda psychopath tries to get in touch with someone by calling them on the phone. What is this…1984?
When you wish upon a star your feet burst into flame and you realize it was a dumb place to stand.
[At the job interview]
“We’re looking for a super friendly bright & bubbly person.”
“Would that be for the whole time?”
My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up
A new reality show “So You Think You Don’t Suck at Singing” where contestants vie for priority access to their local karaoke circuit
Sorry I interrupted your wedding dance with a much much better dance
Before Geronimo was born in 1829 what the hell did people yell when they jumped off things?
People who think this giraffe is taking forever to give birth have never listened to my daughter tell a story.
When you smile and laugh and pretend you heard a word they said.
~ Night club conversations and marriage
[cranking up the heat on my slow cooker]
Me: *whispers* slow cook it faster
I hate when people talk to me while I’m using the restroom, the other day, this guy was all like “Sir this is a display model at Home Depot”
I know there is something wrong with my car the old fashioned way. I smell it or hear it.
My 10yo rejected a pair of socks because she could “feel the polka dots” if you’re wondering what the girl from The Princess and the Pea is up to these days.
Someone told me yesterday that my casual outfit made them feel overdressed at the office, so today I wore a ball gown and a sequined cape with glittery stilts and a feather headdress and asked if she felt more at home
*sees a babe about to walk through a puddle*
“No no, allow me”
*gets on hands and knees and drinks the entire puddle so the babe stays dry*
Kids be like mom look at me when you’re driving 70 mph on the freeway.
Cop: Is there a reason why you’re going so fast?
My 8 year old from the back seat: She said the flux capacitor won’t work unless you go 88mph!
Treat your relationships as you would your teeth, daily attention and they could last a lifetime, too bad the same can’t be said for hair.
UPS guy just acted like he’d never seen anyone answer the door in a super hero cape & a straw farmer hat.
13: My English teacher wants us to write in a journal every day
Me: What have you written so far?
13: “I don’t want to write a journal, & I don’t like Quarantine Chicken Surprise.”
M: Good opener.
If you think my tweets are horrid, wait until you see the live stream of my colonoscopy
Cat stuck in a tree? Have you tried placing a computer keyboard at the bottom?
I watered my garden and then it rained so I’d like a refund please
Is it a good sign when your therapist keeps saying Ka-Ching?
[dunk tank baptism] *to little boy* you only have 3 chances or this clown doesn’t get into heaven
Your superhero name is your credit card number, those 3 digits on the back of your card & the expiration date. Comment below so we can all enjoy.