kid: dad see i’m dressed as you for halloween
dad: nice buddy *handing suitcase to kid* have fun at work
kid: i didn’t-
dad: *tossing keys* easy on the clutch
You Might Also Like
[team tryouts]
Coach: You really knocked that one out of the park.
Jimmy: Thanks Coach!
Coach: This is tennis.
I don’t understand why my AirPods aren’t working right I’ve only sent them through the laundry twice.
[american civil war]
soldier: god this is terrible I hope no one reenacts this
Babies who need to wear glasses creep me out. it’s like they are trying to act smarter than me or something, I don’t like it
I’ve been filming the couple next to me on this flight for the last 45 minutes hoping they’ll do something that could go viral. No good content so far (the woman looks very uncomfortable and the man keeps threatening to have me arrested)
Pro tip: If you eat your sandwich in line you don’t have to pay for it.
God gave you alcohol, sex and music. Why do you all talk about politics?!
[dumping jar of pennies in front of the IRS]
How much not jail can I get with this many moneys?
I’m sick of closing out every job interview with “I was young. I needed the money.”
Always trust a glue salesman…
They tend to stick to their word.
I smoked e-cigs for so long that I got e-cancer. I’m ok though, I just swallowed a Norton Antivirus cd and it cleared things up.
I’m so proud of two weeks ago me for anticipating I would want a ripe avocado today
I asked the wife what she wanted for her birthday and all she said was ‘after all this time you know what I like, surprise me’.
Anyone know how to go about the harvesting and storing of souls?
My guardian angel probably spends most of their day just deleting my draft tweets
“I’m a little upset.” — Canadian protest sign
I alway get the same thing every year for Christmas. Fat
DOCTOR: Im sorry, I can’t see you right now
ME: [wearing my new camouflage suit] lol that is so awesome
Him: Can you please stop using the bananas like they are phones
Me: But how am I supposed to contact the gorillas
Him: You’re unbelievable!
Gorilla *over banana*: When are you leaving him?
My 4-year-old asked what drunk means.
I said “Happy”
Now I have to go to a meeting at her preschool because she told everyone she’s drunk.
What’s the best way to remove a grass stain?
Alcohol?
I don’t see how getting drunk will help, but whatever.
😂😂😂
ALIEN: [1st day on Earth wearing my hollowed carcass as a disguise & trying to blend in] COFFEE AMIRITE
People are lot less judgey when you say you ate an ‘avocado salad’ instead of a bowl of guacamole
I. FORGOT.
I. FORGOT.
Drama Llama is what they dubbed me in college. Not because of my theatrics, I earned the name by spitting.
12: Can you help with my math homework?
Me (*looks at the problem*): I don’t remember how to do that
12: If you don’t remember how to do it, and you turned out well, why do I need to do it?
Me:
Instead of a promise ring, I wear an onion ring
I’m saving my appetite for something pure
Im sorry, but that car does not have 5 doors. It’s 4 doors. No one is climbing in through the boot.
me: what kind of plane do you fly?
pilot: private.
me: it’s ok i won’t tell anyone.
*a snake wearing one skinny jean*