My boyfriend said we can’t hang out this weekend because he doesn’t exist.
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This sounds more like an accusation than a question.
“And the Oscar for Best Actress goes to…..Beyoncé?”
*Kanye slowly sits down*
I wrote “except zombies” on my welcome mat so I know I’ll be safe during a zombie apocalypse.
I did my spring cleaning, I now only have 14 contacts in my phone lol
HADES: Unleash the hell hound!
CERBERUS: *sipping tea* I told you to ask first if it’s a good time for us.
HADES: Is it a–
CERBERUS: No.
Friend: “I’m breaking up with my boyfriend. He acts like a savage.”
Me: “Fred or Ben?”
[eats all your cotton candy]
This is the best one I’ve seen
Pre-employment drug tests are misleading, I didn’t get to try any of them.
If I were a ghost, I’d spell “antidisestablishmentarianism” on the Ouija board just to waste those idiots’ time.
*accidentally click on internet explorer*
Internet Explorer: oh what the… HELLO. OMG! WELCOME! HERE, PLEASE USE ME AS YOUR DEFAULT BROWSER. CLICK HERE! NO, DON’T GO! PLEA-
One a scale of keystone light to jaeger how drunk are you sir?
PANCAKE
ok I need you to step out of the car
you telling me a banana nut in this bread
cool hat i found in the hospital bathroom for a cowboy like myself
I’ve cleaned the entire house so no one is allowed to live here anymore.
My 3yo is heckling me about what YouTube search results appear when I type in her dictated search terms. I never anticipated this parenting moment.
I am the King of the Universe and I have a son and he occasionally appears on grilled-cheese sandwiches. #yup
It’s called a charm offensive. I’m like the softest baby bunny who doesn’t respect you.
Me: In closing, your honour, you put the gem in judgement. *winks*
Judge: *blushing and smiling* What, no I don’t. Stop it.
Everybody is a kid of some decade, but “90’s kids” are the only ones who are annoying about it.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of doing fun stuff on the weekend we can go to a kid’s birthday party where everyone coughs.
Ad guy: okay how do we sell the frosted flakes
Ad guy 2: what if there was a big handsome tiger you just wish would hold you in his arms
Ad guy: …hey Tom, how are things at home
Ad Guy 2: [tearing up] they’re great
*rushes in*
“Sorry I didn’t see the email”
*slow smile*
*twirls hair*[Teaching office new girl how to be late for meetings]
My multivitamin is the same size as an earplug. Guess how I accidentally know that?
COMCAST: have you considered getting with the world’s number one selling broadband?
ME: [thinking he meant the Spice Girls] ..all the time.
Toddler: *babbling nonsense*
Me: Ok, got it!
Narrator: But she did not “got it” And this would make the toddler very angry.
What’s the difference between a bowl of wilted lettuce and a depressing song?
One is a bad salad and the other is a sad ballad.
Ughhhh my neck is killing me ..
*how I slept
All I’m saying is if I’m not allowed to give a monkey a gun at the zoo they should have a sign.