You can’t ban me from your neighborhood just because I “look scary” and “want to kill you.”
That’s discrimination.
You Might Also Like
What if the brown ones are just clear M&M’s
if u wanna date me all u gotta do is ask and i’ll say no
Cops hauled me away for drawing faces on potatoes and makin’ em kiss.
“It’s just too sexy” one cop whispered to me on our way to the jail
I’m not going to make my daughter choose a religion, I’ll explain the differences & when the time comes she can choose either Marvel or DC.
Me in HR: I wasn’t trying to be condescending… It’s just that the boss didn’t understand and I thought the puppets might make it clearer.
When your best mate counts as a desk too
CITY PLANNER: what should we call the paved path next to the street
CRAB: i have an idea
Waiting patiently for something good to happen like that goat in Jurassic Park.
My home security system is just a copy of my paycheck taped to my front door.
This can never not be funny 😭😭
[rooster sits down in barber chair]
Give me a cockadoodledo
95% of dentists recommend teeth.
Money’s missing from under my pillow, I think I’ve been visited by the teef fairy.
If you let an idiot convince you that he’s the smartest man in the world…
Maybe he’s not the only idiot.
[•[•[•[•[•[•[•_•]•]•]•]•]•]•] Lego guy gang comin right at u
[fire alarm]
Hotel California manager: oh no
I think I was a horrible mom, bc when my kids refused to put on their shoes before school, they just went without shoes. I also might have laughed when I watched them get escorted to the office… while I stood there with a bag of shoes.
I’m a 67-year-old obese male with moderate COPD and I’m pretty sure the coronaviruses are passing around pictures of me.
Got banned for life from rap battling for repeated use of the word dingus.
[trying to sneak a water bottle through security]
TSA agent: Good evening sir
Me: Nothing
I’m invited to a wedding this weekend.
I have two days to come up with a disease or cut off a finger.
I have a devil tattooed on each shoulder cause I hate arguments.
date: [breaks 3 minute silence] “you dont have to use the chopsticks just to impress me”
me: [trying to pick up my beer] “i can do it”
Kindergarten, day two.
Me: Who did you play with at recess?
Daughter: One of my best friends. I don’t remember her name.
Me: Hello?
Satan: I’d like to make a return
Me: ALL SALES ARE FINAL
[Party]
HIM: Hi, I’m John.ME: Hey, I’m Andrew, with a “y”.
HIM: …Where’s the y?
OTHER PARTY GUEST FROM ACROSS THE ROOM: Ugh, why is Andrew here?!
ME: *Finger guns*
“This would look a lot better in the toilet”
-toddlers
[Date’s house]
ME: I’d love to see u againDATE: That would be nice
ME [whispers to her dog] ok what do I do she thinks I’m talking to her
When the world is about to end, I hope we know about it in advance so I can stop doing laundry.
No, honey, you aren’t a “hot mess” or a “beautiful disaster”.
You are a psycho with mascara.