I broke up with my high school girlfriend because I’m a nerd and she was a cheerleader, we were just wrong for each other. Also I never asked her out or even spoke to her, poor girl didn’t even know I existed.
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Amidst a decrease in airfare prices, WestJet has hiked the cost of checked bags and Flair has added a new credit card fee. Thankfully, Air Canada has stepped up and is offering an additional 50% off of your legroom!
This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.
Him: I lost my dog today at the company picnic!
Me: You should post something on FaceBook.
Him: My dog isn’t on FaceBook.
Me:
i’ve found my new favorite subculture
Remembering the time I brought a bf to a family thing & he pointed at my uncle & whispered, “That’s my parole officer.”
ok children, just to recap today’s lesson, let’s now repeat all the words you are not supposed to say.
Called my mom on FaceTime and had a heart to heart conversation with her magnified thumb
Beatles albums are like “I’m going to give you one of the most soaring, emotional songs you’ve ever heard” and then the next track is like “doo doo doo! Mr Man and his Silly Hat went for a walk!”
Me: What did you do at school today?
4yo: Nothing
M: You must have done something.
4: I don’t remember.
[Bedtime]
M: Goodnight.
4: Wait.
*Spends the next two hours telling me about his day in excruciating detail followed by a philisophical Q&A session*
Camp Detective: [struggling to get out of a hammock] I suppose you’re all – ugh – I suppose you’re all wondering – mmmmph! Goddamit – why I called you here toda- no! Don’t help me I CAN DO IT
I have no idea where they learned to talk like that.
– the parent who taught them to talk like that
For sale: Haunted bonnet, comes with robin egg. DO NOT SEPARATE THE BONNET AND THE EGG $5
Salem during the 1600’s was great. If your woman pissed you off, you just tell people she’s a witch and they kill the bitch. For free.
I think one reason babies cry on planes is because flying sucks & babies aren’t liars like you & me.
Co-pilot: you need to let the passengers know but keep them calm
Me *presses intercom* how fun is swimming?!
Aww, you “only wish the best for your exes?” That’s cool, I lie about things too.
Times are tough, my daughter just repossessed a paper airplane she made me, over a quarter I owed her from yesterday
*gets naked*
*gets baked*
*doesn’t get why they don’t rhyme*
grocery shopping hungry is way more interesting than full, hungry me is down to eat anything and everything
In the car and passed by a cop and my 12 year old says “everyone be cool! Act normal!”
Expecting that Father of the Year award any day now
it’s your first day back at work. your boss calls you in. “why aren’t you wearing pants?”
“threw em out” you shrug
you turn to leave but stop at the door. “wait,” you say. “but why aren’t you wearing pants”
“what?” he looks down, confused. “oh, right” he shrugs. “threw em out”
I ain’t never seen a alligator so happy to be getting a toothbrush bath 😭
I listen to a lot of white noise, so I get really excited when it rains or someone turns on a fan. It’s like seeing my favourite band live.
I accidentally used dog shampoo this morning but I feel like such a good girl.
Sighing loudly at a Hogwarts meeting and saying, “This could have been an owl.”
I got fired from my office job for misunderstanding the meaning of 3 hole punch.
One of my coworkers just took every friday off from now until february. so lets all collectively hate her please.
Good cop: Just relax
Moody cop: OMG, you again? I hate you, but I kinda misssed you, why don’t you call anymore? You’re going to jail
“if your electricity goes out, you come see me before you do anything else.”
-fuse box on a power trip.
I don’t think my family will ever accept me.
First it’s “get a hobby,” now it’s “stop sacrificing our chickens to lesser-known gods.”