New Password: Elephants
<Not strong enough>
New Password: Ants
<Too strong>
New Password: BabyBearsPorridge
<Just right>
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when ur a kid the only thing ur worst enemy has to do is find a word that rhymes with ur name and ur cooked. one time my friend’s nemesis called him michael michael motorcycle and he was messed up for days. it didn’t matter how cool motorcycles are. it rhymed. he was toast
If I could be a superhero, I’d be Aluminum Man. My superpower would be foiling crime.
Saving my good tweets for marriage
TV shows project an unrealistic image, like catching a criminal in an hour or that people don’t spend most of the day in pyjamas drinking wine.
Me: Sometimes I wish I wasn’t shy and introverted
Alcohol: I’VE GOT GREAT NEWS!
[son falls over & hurts himself]
ME: aww poor kid, he needs a little THC
WIFE: don’t you mean TLC?
ME: [huge bong rip] he needs what now?
Her: It’s so sweet of you to cook for me. What are you making?
Me: It’s a special family seafood dish named after my grandmother. It’s called ClamLydia.
Her: I forgot. I already ate.
I realize how this looks, but that guy’s neck was already like that when I got here.
Her: I want a man who will carry me to the bedroom
Me: I gotchu babe *Gives piggyback*
1. Get in hammock.
2. Relax.
3. Try and get out of hammock.
4. Panic.
5. Don’t fight it and just accept that this is where you live now.
I hate when people start off a conversation with, “Can I be honest with you?”
No, please lie, I insist!
I think the English invented raisins as a joke because of their dry sense of humour.
Last Christmas I gave you my heart but the very next day, you gave it away.
This year….you’re getting fruitcake.
COP: Are you drunk?
ME: um if I was drunk, could I do this?
*walks in a perfectly straight line*
COP: What the hell he just walked off a cliff
100% per cent of survey respondents said: help us get out of this tall tree. we didn’t know this survey involved being stuck in a tree
That awkward moment when someone says “stop”, and you don’t know whether to respond with “collaborate and listen” or “hammer time.”
When someone starts making fun of my air guitar skills I just whip out my finger pistols and it usually shuts them right up.
[First day as an undercover cop]
Drug Dealer: You got the money?
Me: … *into cufflink* Line?
My 3yo just realized that when he’s an adult he can drive himself to get donuts and he’s gonna need a minute
Who the hell is responsible for the abbreviation of “pounds?”
thank you for bringing your bluetooth speaker to the beach, i was concerned the ocean would be too soothing
Have I done my taxes? No. Have I sent myself an email with the subject line “DO TAXES”? Yes, and that is half the battle.
Two words from the historical lexicon:
boondoggle: an entirely unnecessary or futile undertaking.
hornswoggle: to bamboozle or deceive.
A hornswoggling boondoggle has a nice ring to it.
Picnic ruined by underwhelming potato salad (and Fire ants).
I really wish my twitter crush would scream out my name instead of ‘hey you’ every time he catches me in the tree in his front yard.
Taylor Swift seems like the kind of chick who’d stare at her boyfriend while he’s sleeping.
Overheard, my kids-
7: did you know when you’re older you’ll have boobies like mummy?
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3: don’t be silly, when I’m older I’ll be a panda
me working on my assignments ^-^
The crack of dawn is probably just as good as the crack you get at midnight.
I’m jealous of how many friends the people on Intervention have.