Much like the giant panda and the snow leopard, the 20-something white girl without a wrist tattoo is now an endangered species.
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If you do not stop arguing I WILL turn this car around and around and around creating a time vortex teleporting me back to before I had kids
I haven’t been this confused about what’s going on since The Cranberries yodeled that one song about zombies.
I miss @ddrwg again. Here’s a link to one of my favorite tweets from Sonny.
When you’re Godzilla every city is a walkable city
Living your life to the fullest does not have to involve selfies with bison.
U know your mind is gone when u get out of bath and realize u only shaved one leg
Unless u only have one leg… Then you’re good
Your first mistake was leaving your dessert on the table; your second mistake was trusting me not to eat it.
“and this blood shall be called A+”
all the other blood types: “k wow we’re like right here”
Subtle cannibal alert: people who call their friends “peeps” around Easter.
My 4 yr old niece is on the hyper side so my brother-in-law was trying to teach her about behaving and said “little girls are made of sugar and spice and what else?” and in her best batman voice she replied, “BLOOD AND BONES.”
Your body is a temple. Mine is a graveyard.
Thought it was real sweet that my daughter (5) gave me a hug in the store until I realized she was trying to steal my credit card.
My husband asked if I had a new year’s resolution and I told him it was to not yell at the kids and then we both fell about laughing
Carjacking does not mean what I thought but somehow I’m still arrested?
“Ugh, it’s so dark!” *shivers* “And cold! Why is it so huge? It’s, like, jeez, does it go on forever?!”
– Larry, the worst astronaut
“she was often seen eating a rotisserie chicken in her car”
~police asking for help in my disappearance
I showed up at Disney headquarters uninvited
I said I was there for a Rogue One cameo
That’s how I learned the security guards have Tasers
Technically, it’s only cannibalism if you eat the top half of the mermaid, your honour.
Me: “Can you please help me with my Tinder profile? I’m not having much luck”
My wife:
1st base: sex
2nd base: not wearing makeup
3rd base: calling each other
home run: discussing your mental health issues and past traumas
“Welcome to Fight Club,” said the man with the rock hard abs. I looked around, clutching my kite, becoming worried.
The moon is in my awful neighbor’s backyard. Girl, he’s the worst. What are you doing?
“I want to put a baby in you,” I whisper to the microwave over the sound of the infant crying next door.
Parents: Never talk to strangers!
Also parents: Why don’t you have any friends?
My 7 yr. old thought it would be really funny to hold up a sign in the back window of the car that said “HELP ME!”. It was not.
Got out of the car and dropped my keys in the gutter. They landed next to my mind, which I thought I’d lost.
Baseball glove $150. Baseball bat $250.
Uniform $120.
Cleats $100.
Having my son quit in his first week of little league practice … priceless
‘our sage died’ , my wife calls from the garden
‘ok, well, ok’ I say after a desperate mindscroll to be sure we have no children, pets, friends, parents, cousins called Sage
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, if you drive a Nissan but don’t call it Liam then what is even the point of you
My favorite thing about single people is how they champion being single till they like someone then they transform into a hypocritcalpotamus