I took my 4yo to the playground for the first time in months and based on what I’m seeing I think they’re teaching parkour in kindergarten these days
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I always answer “I know” when folks say “Nice to see you”.
I think it’s only polite to acknowledge their good fortune.
Brand new white Adidas completely ruined by 6 steps into the dog park gate.
If you do not stop arguing I WILL turn this car around and around and around creating a time vortex teleporting me back to before I had kids
Tomorrow is school picture day
Can 9 choose his own clothes? Yes
Did I just remove clothes from his closet I don’t want him to choose? Also yes
I’ve started picking furniture up off the side of the road, restoring it, and then selling it on Facebook in order to finance my expensive new hobby, which is picking furniture up off the side of the road and then restoring it to sell on Facebook.
Adult life blows…. Friends don’t even ask to see how fast you can run in your new shoes anymore.
You want to sext?
*blushes*
Ok, but I’m not very good at it.*frantically types*
AS I WALK THROUGH THE VALLEY OF THE SHADOW OF DEATH…
BACTERIA 1: [runs toward pizza that has just been dropped on the floor]
BACTERIA 2: [football tackles him to the ground] YOU HAVE TO WAIT FIVE SECONDS SEBASTIAN
I wanted to be Batman when I was a kid. So I kept leading my parents into dark alleys in the bad part of town.
Table for one, please.
Ma’am, your family is right behind you.
A turn signal, but if you use it, your car catches on fire
~ the guy in front of me, apparently
Point blank tho, never met a turtle I didn’t like. Sea, snapping, painted, teenage mutant ninja…
you ever try to cook with friends who swear up and down they don’t know how to cook from scratch? you kind of laugh it off at first (just follow the recipe how hard could it be) and then you realize they don’t know how to chop a tomato
kind of f***ed up that good girl is sexual but I can’t say good boy without feeling like i’m trying to play fetch with him
Pro tip: Next time you’re at a bar, go up to a woman & whisper “Hey, wanna get outta here?”
If she says yes, you can sit where she was.
“Please refrain, Angry God, from using the Newspaper of Doom” the Spider King cries as he orders another sacrifice into your sleeping mouth
If you hit people hard enough with a tennis racket they turn into waffles.
If you ever need to wake my wife from a coma, just set your drink on the coffee table without a coaster.
Welcome to twitter, the support group for people who like people who don’t like people.
a massage is not enough I need to be rolled through a pasta machine
What Swiss Army Knife attachment do I use to put those holes in cheese?
🎵Whooooaaaa, I’m halfway therrreee
WHOOOAAAA, LOSING ALL MY HAIRRRR
Take this wig, we’ll fake it I swearrrrr
WHOAOHH, LOSING ALL MY HAIRRR🎶
hookup culture actually helps a lot of people clean their bedrooms
I have a disorder where every time I leave my house I spend $100
Told my daughters they get to split the inheritance when we die and my 10 y/o asked, “Will you leave me more if I’m your lawyer?” She’s clearly ready for a legal career.
Cathy on FB is “feeling annoyed” and is asking why people even own cell phones if they’re not gonna answer.
Can I tell her? Pleeease.
Parenting pro-tip: don’t own nice shit.
good baseball player nicknames if they weren’t already taken:
– batman
– hitler
“Sleep” and I broke up a few nights ago. I’m dating “Coffee” now. She’s Hot!
Imagine if America cut open the Statue of Liberty and found skeletons inside and it turned out the French had just failed a trojan mission.