Day 3 of home schooling, just had a parent teacher conference with my wife and there was a lot of blaming.
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My parents think im a virgin. My boss thinks Im an excellent employee. The government thinks Im an outstanding citizen. Where’s my Oscar?
We’d have serious problems if Peter Jackson ever became president. He’d look at World Wars I and II and see them as an unfinished trilogy.
*At the couch store
“How many loads of laundry does this one hold?”
Aww, I feel bad for never letting you win. Here, you can have my Playstation, my Xbox 360, and my Nintendo Switch!
*sniff* Don’t try to console me
There’s no “u” in narcissist
HO_SE BOAT
I’d like to solve the puzzle Pat, Horse Boat
Just ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon.
Will keep you posted.
Get yourself a girl who can help you destroy evidence and lie under oath.
why does every fantasy novel have to start like “He was from Treador, an island of the Kellestaron archipelago, some 5,000 leagues west of the Dribicular mountains but north of —“ YO I’M NOT FROM HERE, JUST TELL ME WHO HAS A SWORD AND WHAT THE SWORD IS NAMED
Marriages are like pancakes. Sometimes you gotta throw the first one out
there there son
*crouches down & wipes his tears*
its ok, dont go crying over spilt mil– YOU GOT IT ON THE XBOX!? no NO. call 911. CALL 911
[5 PM]
Me: Put your homework in your backpack.
Child: I know.[8 PM]
Me: Put your homework in your backpack.
Child: I know.[Next morning, 6 AM]
Me: Did you put your homework in your backpack? Child: I will.[8 AM]
Text from child at school: you won’t believe this
Him: I have successfully bred the first bald porcupine
Me: How pointless
Emoji: because sometimes a chicken, the Spanish flag, and a lesbian couple is the only way to express how you really feel.
Wow, after that bathroom experience, this made me wish my sinus plugged up from allergies.
[Bar]
SEXY GIRL: Wanna go back to my house?
ME: That’s ok, thanks, I have my own house[3 days later]
ME: [spits out coffee] DAMN IT
To gangs that carve their names into public toilet seats:
A) Why?
B) Haha, you touched a public toilet seat.
A magician’s assistant wears two layers under her costume: a bra, cadabra
My daughter has recently become deathly afraid of our cat. So I’m going to have to get rid of her. At least I’ll have my cat to comfort me.
“This is beyond the scope of the project” —me after I haven’t understood how to do something
Her:
*puts cherry stem in mouth
*pulls it out with a knot
*winksHim:
*puts earbuds in pocket
*pulls it out with 5 knots
*doesn’t get laid
Me: I’m going to start eating healthier!
*buys exactly the same groceries + 1 carrot*
Me: Nailed it.
Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?
Neil Armstrong: …yes.
My horoscope today just said “NOPE”
I’m more than willing to test out that whole “money can’t buy happiness” thing.
*Werewolves spot a group of teens smoking pot around a campfire*
Werewolf 1: Edibles!
Me: ‘Alcohol only kills the weakest brain cells.’
Also Me: *parks car in neighbor’s driveway*
And then come the thinkpieces. “ARE Cats Really iPhones?” “Why Telling People Who Think Cats Are iPhones They’re Wrong Isn’t the Answer”
Send me your home address and I’ll mail you a personal drawing of your favorite animal as long as its a buffalo.