An escape room but it’s just me trying to put on my hoodie with one sleeve inside out.
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Homophobia is stupid. Who the hell is afraid of homes.
I drink a lot of water for someone who claims to hate being alive
My wife just caught me naked FaceTiming someone so can one of you pretend to be a TeleMed urologist?
Wife: I made you an appt. with the eye doctor
Me: [spreading cream cheese onto Destiny’s Child CD] MY EYES ARE FINE
Sometimes I think I’m in love with the woman who drops off the Amazon packages, and sometimes I realize I’m having a Pavlovian response.
So, it’s OK if Robert Plant says “I’m gonna give you my love”, but I say it once and have to see HR?
It’s not like I knew my fly was open!
me: here is a list of Adult Swim cartoon characters I’m attracted to
therapist: can we talk about your depression?
me: we are
tensing up so the masseuse doesn’t win
Stranger danger is a very real thing.
They nearly always react badly to proposals.
[Witness Protection Program]
So the more ordinary, mundane your new name is, the easier it’ll be to blend into your new-
BUBBLENUTS McFUNKY!
My little sister did homework for a kid in her school because he promised to pay her $30 but after she finished it for him he told her that he wasn’t gonna pay her so she just sent him a picture of an email draft addressed to him and his teacher and just says “what about now”
ibopfufen
Positive I heard an audible gasp from my car as I drove past the wine store
Brain: That guy is annoyed at you. You should feel terrible about it.
Me: But I hate that guy. I shouldn’t care what he thinks of me.
Brain: Yeah, but you do.
me: never meet your heroes
also me: hello cincinnati zoo?
yes fiona the hippo please
Wish we had the power of at least one ‘do over’ in our lives. I used mine up in the 1st grade and winning at hopscotch wasn’t worth it.
I want a pet eagle that’s trained to steal people’s sandwiches for me.
If a bear attacks you, the best thing to do is play dead. Unless it’s Dave, the Necrophiliac Bear
Imagine a hunter in a deer stand but instead of a gun he has a long stick he pokes the deer with and they look around like “ok who did that”
I’ve tried playing Jenga with children. But it’s so much easier using the little wooden blocks.
I wanna party with whoever decided to ditch their shitstreaked underwear in the bushes at the McDonald’s drive thru.
the mechanic said it would be $800 to fix my brakes and I actually thought “how badly do I need them”
1) Go to Starbucks
2) Order coffee
3) Say your name is Waldo
4) Leave
Doing taxes in the 90s:
Clippy pops up
“I see you’re trying to scam the tax system. Would you like help?”
Practicing safe sax
My kids don’t recognize me with my mask on at school pick-ups, so I either have to dress as Waldo everyday or perform the Macarena.
Dolphin son: dad, how did you know mom was the one
Dolphin dad: the first time I met her we just clicked
Every industry in the country, he lets put our products in these handy useful resealable ziplock bags!
Cereal & chip mfg companies, nah we’re good
Gym Bro: Dude, you gotta lift with your legs!
Me: I’ll eat this whole chicken any way I damn well please!
Accidentally got two shots of hand sanitizer so if you need me I’ll be rubbing my hands together for the rest of my life.