If you weren’t supposed to eat 15 Oreos in one sitting, they wouldn’t package them in rows of 15.
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One of the cool things they don’t tell you about your thirties is you can hurt your neck by turning to look at something, which is wild because that is neck’s main job.
I’m so good at astrology I know all the zodiac signs by heart
Aquaman
Fish
Airhead
Tommy
Jumanji
Cancer
Leo
Virgin
Liberal
Scorpion
Sa..sag..fhgjhuiujh
Caprisun
I’ve stolen so much stuff from work that some of my colleagues now have to work at my house
*puts stethoscope up to chest*
Dr: I dont hear..U don’t have a heart Karen
“Did my ex Kyle put u up to this?”
*Im in the bushes giggling*
Shy girl has a crush on shy boy.Shy boy has a crush on shy girl.Neither of them say anything.They both do a lot of homework.#VeryRealisticYA
Merica.
people will say “oh i love the vaccine” and then only get it once or twice
Janitor (pulling a dead cat out of Hadron Collider) Here’s your problem right here.
Hamburger Helper only works if the hamburger is ready to accept that it needs help.
Congrats, YouTube. the algorithm really nailed my 10 year-old with ads for boxed wine, divorce attorneys and the swiffer wet jet
Listen, I’m not gonna lie, I think if someone wanted to murder me they could just leave a trail of cubed cheddar and I’d follow it to my demise
Dear god, please let me have sex at least as often as adobe or java needs an update. Everyday.
them: the new Batman film will be totally raw and gritty
me:
Dwayne Johnson, paper, scissors
You’d think Bowser would start locking the front door of his castle after the first time Mario just walked right in like he owned the joint.
Once, just once in my life, I’d love a guy to grab me, pull me in close and whisper
I’m hunting wabbits.
friend: what day is it today
me: it’s mar 10
friend: like mario!
me: itsa mar 10
Can y’all please stop posting obi-wan spoilers? I’m not going to watch it I just don’t want to hear about it anymore.
As homeschooling draws to a close for the summer I realise my 8yo may not have learned how to do fractions but he also learned very little about anything else
When you’re firing off drunk texts & you see the 3 dots
[ english class ]
me: this is useless, i’m outta here
*20 years later*
judge: please rise for your sentence
me: my what
ladies say I’m a hamster in the sheets because I squeal when I’m uncomfortable and I leave small pellets in the bed
My ex texted “You’ve got a friend in me. XoXo”.
I thought she was being too nice until I realized that she was talking about my buddy Dave.
Man, people are taking spring cleaning extra seriously this year.
Me: omg look how bad they messed up my name at Starbucks, this isn’t even close
lupita nyong’o: that’s my coffee
(in dog boss’ office)
“Smith, you’re fired.”
Fine. I guess I’ll just WALK out…
(boss’ tail starts wagging)
“Wait Smith get back here”
[in car with wife]
“did you take $20 from my purse?”
*sips $3 coffee* no
*gets rear ended and $17 worth of sour candy falls out of glovebox*
11yo: What are you doing?
me: shhh. Mommy’s napping.
11yo: On the treadmill?
My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me