Dude just told me that he’s washing his hands more because of that “Coca-Cola virus.”
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STAGES OF HOTEL BUFFET BREAKFAST
1. Admire healthy selection of yoghurt and fruit
2. Start piece of toast in strange grill machine
3. Eat 19 rashers of bacon, 12 sausages and 2.3kg of scrambled egg
4. Toast burned, in bin
5. Eat 4 grapes and a piece of melon to be healthy
DATE: gonna grab my jacket and brb. you look great by the way
ME (whispering to my suit made of chameleons): hell yeah keep it up you guys
Dearly beloved, we are gathered together before God & these witnesses to observe the following: 2, 3, 5, 7, 11, 13, 17, 19
-Prime Minister
It’s Easter, I plan to count how many eggs each kid finds.
When they ask where stuff is I’ll remind them how good they are at finding things.
Racism is alive and well. I entered a plane and a white lady started freaking out. I laughed so hard my grenades fell out of my pocket.
“Let there be one more blade!”-Gillette marketing concepts.
You don’t know what you’ve got
until it’s gone.( *Runs out of toilet paper* )
“can’t you take a hint?” bro I don’t even understand literal stuff
The best part of being a flight attendant has to be when you walk the aisle saying “trash” to everyone’s face.
Do you ever feel like you’re a white shirt and life is a leaky burrito?
[getting murdered]
me: are u Scottish
murderer: yes
me: then u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
Everyone in the gym on January 1st
Why do prescription pills always say “by mouth?” Where else would people put th…
Ooooooh.
The bear scene from The Revenant, except it’s just me opening a jar of pickles
1: How old is James Earl Jones?
2: She’s 30
1: OMG WHAT?
My surgeon said NO drinking for 24 hours, then we both laughed.
After reading some marriage tweets I’m beginning to suspect we all may have been married to the same person.
Welcome to Insults Я Us, you sack of crap. Buy some stuff if you’re not too cheap. Maybe eat out of a garbage can. You’d probably like that
Just ate a Pop-Tart off of a real plate like some kind of goddamn oil magnate
Mom there’s a boogie man in my closet!
*mom looks and I’m standing there with an afro in a satin shirt and platform shoes
There is a famous person next to me at this coffee shop. You can tell he’s waiting for me to say something. Not gonna happen. Not gonna give him the time of day. Just going to sit here and continue making machine gun noises with my mouth
[At the job interview]
“Why did you leave your last job?”
“They took a vote.”
Breaking: CNN confirms planes need fuel to fly. In other news, scientist confirm brains are not needed to work at CNN.
[murder occurs]
ME: how terrible. why can’t we love each other[someone slightly inconveniences me]
ME: I will execute your entire family
You guys remember back before Google when we would just sit around and wonder about shit ….?
ME: *passing out little top hats* And this one’s for you. And this one’s for you
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the penguin enclosure
ME: Lol no
You know that chick who said, “Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels?”…
Yeah, well I ate her.
Drunk stranger: my kids drive me to drink.
Me, having to drive myself places: *whispers* lucky.
I’m running out of lies to tell in confessional but it’s the only place I can sit in silence away from my kids.
Microwave safe? It doesn’t seem like a sensible place to keep your valuables.