Establish dominance on rival dads by rubbing sunscreen on your kids, right when they’re getting yelled at for not bringing sunscreen
You Might Also Like
Boss: I expect total transparency from my staff
Trevor: That’s not always practic—
John the Jellyfish: NO PROBLEM BOSS
Me: Today I found the perfect wine to have with dinner
Him: Awesome, where is it?
M: *points to belly*
Dog: can i eat this?
Me: no i was just-
Dog: [swallowing] thanks
WIFE: Wanna split the last slice of pizza?
ME: Nah, you take it
KING SOLOMON (entering dramatically): You, sir, are the pizza’s real mother
You learn something new every day.
Except yesterday. Yesterday was a washout.
My wife does this cute thing. She sets her alarm clock an hour before she has to get up and then hits snooze 27 times. It’s so adorable.
*beats arachnophobia*
*trips over child dressed as Spider-Man*
*fears spiders again*
when your pet decides to sleep on your bed
My bf just suggested we put canned peas in the egg salad and anyway, I’m single now.
got banned from Trader Joe’s for my controversial political opinions (or because I keep taking cheese into the bathroom)
Lost my job at Tree Humpers anonymous for asking if everyone was ‘logged in’
Cat: [coughing up a hairball]
French tutor: very good
Y’all answering phones calls while on the toilet need Jesus
(my funeral)
Spouse, crying: I’ll miss you, my love. Your with the angels now.Ghost me, whispering in his ear: *you’re
S: Oh ffs!
One of my new rescue dogs is really into laying on the couch and watching FRIENDS.
I think he’s my soulmate.
ate a tomato sandwich on the porch and watched some kids kick a can, if anyone wants anything from 1935
Hospice was my favorite spice girl,
into all kinds of freaky things and took good care of my grandma
This day in history. 1998. Sonny Bono was killed while skiing at Lake Tahoe nothing to do with him trying to leave Scientology nope nothing.
COP: Is this man bothering you ma’am?
ME: She’s my wife
MY WIFE: [mouthing and nodding yes behind me]
#ChangeAConsonantSpoilAMovie
Snapes On A Plane
fire doesn’t get enough credit for being inclusive. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”
“Wow, that milk is spoiled!”
*milk drives by in a fancy car his parents bought him*
Three steps to start a relationship.
1- buy a sheep
2- name it “relation”
3- now you have a relationsheep.
drunk guy just yelled “i love you” to dolly parton and she said “i love you too but i told you to wait in the trunk”
“Your son’s been involved in a shenanigan”
What kinda shenanigans?
“It was just one shenanigan”
You called me down here for one shenanigan?
Pro Tip:
If you leave an assortment of tissues, cold medicine, and a big bag of cough drops visible on your desk, coworkers will avoid you!
Protip: Never take your wife with you to your annual checkup. She will tell the doctor way too much about you.
Every craft store needs an aisle labeled So Your Child Has a School Project Due Tomorrow.