the boston alphabet is only 25 letters because they threw the t in the harbor
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Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because I’m black??
Cop: Sir, you’re white, driving 90 in a 30.
Me: Racist.
Cop: Get out.
My financial advisor recommended I join a doomsday cult.
You are not your own worst enemy.
You have many more enemies.
Squirrels: 1,538
My dogs: -17
I have keys on my keychain from the houses I used to live in just in case I’m hungry and in the area.
Just had to persuade my child to eat something delicious because children.
In the wake of inflation, and the conflict in Eastern Europe, the Germans are predicting a shortage of sausage and cheese. They’re formulating a plan for it, which they’re calling the würst/käse scenario
You can always tell someone’s age by watching them get out of a car.
Doctor: how do you stay active?
Me: I just jiggle the mouse every 5min
6 months ago I started a journey to transform my body to prove that anything was possible. You have to want it. You have to wake up everyday and put in the work and thats why I haven’t started.
My mug is Stanley. My cooler is Yeti. My driveway is snowy. Just one of these is truey.
ME: …but it’s dairy-free
WIFE: I don’t care, I’m not calling it “peanut margarine”
The children of the corn are probably the grandparents of the corn now. Like “no Billy Bob, only kill him a little, grandpa’s got enough for the blood sacrifice”
Nobody in this neighborhood ever got along until we all hated your rooster.
Me: But where do you see this relationship in five years?
Her: Sir! For the last time, do you want extra cheese or not?
[wine class]
Swirl your wine. Inhale its aroma. What do you smell?
ME: wine
Can you smell its buttery oaky notes?
ME: nope, still wine
My eldest child was born 5 years after we got married and yet she’s mad at us for not inviting her to the wedding. We will be focusing on math lessons this week
when ur mom took the xbox away because you got a D- on ur report card and you went to your room, slammed the door, and turned this song up to full volume on the radioshack speakers so the whole family knew you were gonna be full of angst for the next several days
“I’m definitely gonna hit that later tonight!”
– Me pointing out the light pole in the parking lot of the bar.
me: most dust is human skin flakes therefore roombas are carnivorous robots and one day the dust won’t satiate them anymore so they will rise up and devour us all
therapist: can we go back to discussing your childhood
me: one sec
I don’t want to brag about how cultured I am, but I’ve visited the outside of many historical buildings that charge an entrance fee
On average I spend about 25 minutes at Walmart …. and another 2 hours in the parking lot looking for my car.
imagining a gas station in the 1800s but it’s guys parking their horses as they eat some grain and the guys complain about the price of the grains
[in bed]
ME: [turning off table lamp] I’ve finally finished my book
WIFE: What happened in the end?
ME: I saw his stripy shirt behind a tree
I asked my cousin why he eats the burger first and he’s like imagine I die whilst eating the chips
Does the S in iPhone 5S stand for “superficial”? “Shallow”? “Slave”? Or “soon to be obsolete”?
Salad kits are great when you want to pretend you are trying to be healthy but also don’t have the energy to go outside and chop cabbages off of your cabbage tree and summon the Ranch God.
Me: k well my phones gonna die so I’ll ttyl
Mom: But ur office is a landline?
Me: oh…so it is….K well the building is on fire, sooo ttyl
I remember when spring break meant a week on Padre Island parting with my friends, and now it’s spent hoping my kids aren’t on Padre Island partying with their friends.
babies gremlins
🤝getting wet after midnight makes more