It’s bad when the hackers try to return your stolen identity.
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me: i think we should make a baby
wife: do you know how expensive babies are?
me: wait, you can buy them??
What do you call emergency rooms for non medical emergencies?
Bars, they’re called bars
“Two can play at that game”
-guy who’s confused about solitaire.
Fish look like they’re constantly being surprised by something.
windows 8: i got some updates
me: cool
windows: i have to restart
me: okay not now
windows: im going to
me: please dont
windows: lol
Flight Attendant: Sir, you need to put your iPhone in airplane mode.
Me: We’ve been cleared for takeoff for twenty minutes. You need to put this airplane in airplane mode.
I need to work on controlling the look on my face when I’m listening to stupid people.
Bruce Willis on a jetski, being pursued by a pug on a smaller jetski
I like to say “Have a great day” before the cashier has a chance to. Power move.
At the restaurant I heard a lady say her taco was too salty. My wife had to leap over the table and cover my mouth before I said something.
“When in doubt, drag it out”
– advice I give to people dealing with difficult decisions or dead bodies
My ex got me one of those mermaid tail blankets and when I told my mom she said I don’t need to hear about your perverse sexual proclivities and I think of this often
Me: I want us to get married.
Her: You’ll have to ask my dad first.
Me: Ok but he’s already married…
Saw a fess on here how someone randomly texted their wife saying “I love you” and it saved their marriage. Tried it and now my wife thinks I am having an affair as it’s out of character
Praying Mantis: *attends church, devours husband*
Agnostic Mantis: *stares suspiciously up at the sky, devours husband*
what happens if the bachelor chooses to love himself
[At a San Francisco Dance Club]
*Grinds cute girl in a mini-skirt*Hey baby, what’s your name?
“Robert”
Biggest fears:
4. Dancing in public
3. Spiders
2. Forgetting names
1. Dancing in public with spiders who’s names I forget
My wife said “You only love me because my father left me a million pounds.”
“That’s not true, I’d still love you whoever left it to you”
Old guys always send me a “Good morning beautiful” and never a “V, you are the only beneficiary of my 3 million dollars life insurance”… Romance is dead
[Arriving to cult meeting]
Cult leader: Did you bring the sacrifice?
Me, standing in a puddle of water:
Shit…I thought you said sack of ice.
I don’t know Pete Davidson, but I’ve heard of his dad Harley.
My bf: can’t you give me a clue to where I put the car keys?
Me: The elephant crawls at midnight but the zebra lays down his tracks by the freeway.
Whoever accidentally put their dentist appointment in my ical it’s tomorrow morning! Don’t be late!
I am basic white bread.
…maybe buttered if I’m feeling fancy.
God: *creates sunset*
Angel: That’s beautiful. What purpose does it solve?
God: *creating Instagram* You’ll see.
You don’t love me? Don’t worry, the first step is denial.
Me: “Your baby looks just like you.”
-“Thank you!”
Me: “Funny you took that as a compliment but ok.”
Hubs: Why are you spending so much time on Twitter lately?
Me: I need to find my people
Him: You have a family, we are your people
Me: *this is awkward* But I’m looking for people I actually like
Men fantasize about me, women want to be me and children obey me!
[wakes up on bathroom rug]