Dating tip:
Walk up to a girl in a club, smile, look into her eyes, take her hand and walk away. If she wants her hand back, she’ll find you
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O Wise One….
me: jesus, all i have in the cupboard is two tins of tuna fish, an expired box of jello, and egg noodles
1950’s cookbook author’s ghost, calling from hell: well well well, not so high and mighty now, are we?
I’m not saying my job sucks, I’m just saying that if you tried to abduct me in the office parking lot on my way into work, I’d struggle just until I was out of view of the corporate security cameras. Then I’ll happily get in your van AND I’ll buy you breakfast at Waffle House.
My 3-year-old said she wished we had a pet. I reminded her we have a dog and wow the genuine surprise on her face as it dawned on her that our dog is a pet and not just some other guy who lives here.
Horses are a great pet for anyone who’s ever wished their bicycle could make bad choices
I love balloons! I keep tying them to my arm, but I think I’m getting carried away.
A welcome mat is a gateway rug.
On the box it said “do not put your tongue on battery.” I would never put my tongue on a battery.
Although. I kinda want to now.
JUDGE: You’re going to a maximum-security prison.
ME: Good, that makes me feel safe.
Me: Did you see that woman’s swim suit?
Husband: The tall brunette? With the black bikini? Carrying a pink bag?
Me: Yes.
Husband:
Me:
Husband: No, I did not.
As long as my dog gets walked 4 times a day (with one of these taking place at approximately midnight) then she doesn’t go on the downstairs carpet. So easy!
Mario! Are you coming to save me from Bowser’s Castle?
PEACH I MIGHT BE
Why do they have to make things childproof when I’m still functioning at a kindergarten level of dexterity
Writers who become addicted to pseudonyms have to join Anonymous Anonymous.
My washer and dryer finished at the same time, but I think my dryer faked it.
Petulant: (defn.) a cat or dog you let a friend borrow
S/o to @funTweeters .
me (hungover):
Why do I have a photo of me with a fire hydrant?wife:
Because last night you wanted a picture with R2D2.
Discovered that when 10yo boys go on a school trip for 3 days, there’s no laundry when they come back because they’re unaware they can actually change their clothes
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: yes
Netflix: lmao it’s cancelled
For my lower body, I do 30 squats and 30 lunges. For my upper body, I put on and take off my sports bra.
Me: *on the computer*
9-year-old: What are you doing?
Me: Registering you for school.
9: I thought we were friends.
[pushes panic button in the middle of MRI]
Tech: Are you okay? Do you have any questions?
Me: Yeah. Who sang the song that was just playing?
what other people think of me is none of my business. unless it’s bad, then i need to know everything
Very problematic
It’s not really family vacation until everyone is crying because of sun poisoning, you’ve lost at least 3 bikini tops in the ocean, and your spouse is just staring off into nowhere regretting all decisions that led up to this point in life
Pirate Clark Kent: *takes off eye patch*
Pirate Lois Lane: OMG
I’ve often wondered whether baby deer are left or right handed. Turns out they’re bambidextrous.
You ever randomly hear your mom singing ‘Candy Shop’ and then die a little inside?