Masseuse: happy ending?
Me: oh yeah*20 minutes later
Masseuse: …and then Tom Hanks shows up in the park and yells the dog’s name, and Meg Ryan just knows he’s the one she loved all along…
Me: OMG their love is so pure ðŸ˜
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Ocean’s 8 makes me feel seen as a woman but also as someone who has tried to organize anything with more than 3 people
WIFE: *spells out words so the kids won’t know what she is saying*
ME: [to the kids] I don’t know either.
My favorite sex move is the reverse fire fighter. That’s where you get him all hot & then climb out the window & drive away in his truck.
BANK TELLER: you’re an awful robber
ME: i’m not sure how to take that
BANK TELLER: exactly
when the news anchor says “if you know anything about the crime please contact police”
dont call the police and re-tell the news story
11’s thoughts on tonight’s dinner: “Well, it didn’t make me gag, so I ate it.”
The rewards of motherhood are truly breathtaking.
I hate it when I’m by the window and make eye contact with someone outside, so I understand why this lady is shocked to see me up a tree.
me: dinosaurs can’t jump
her: how do u know
me: they’re all dead Linda
god: *creates human* whatcha think?
angel: nice, will it hurt itself in the dark?
god: *adds shins* now it will
I wish my car had spikes on the wheels like the chariot in Ben-Hur. I’d only use them against people who really deserved it, like drunk drivers or people who don’t do the thank you wave when you let them merge.
Before kids: My mind is a steel trap.
After kids: My mind is a steel colander.
The one thing I wish my parents told me after I moved out was the address to their new home
Carl: Cold out night.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: NASA found LSD improved spiders’ ability to make webs.
Me: Fair enough.
Chewbacca before you swallowbacca
My blow up doll has started wheezing and she’s loosing weight rapidly. Getting very concerned.
The best thing about eating healthy food is all the incredible food you eat an hour later because you’re so hungry…
Detective slams his hands flat on the table:
You need to tell us what you know!Me: I don’t gossip.
I think I finally found your G-Spot. It’s been in my wallet the whole time.
[Considering whether a recipe is easy enough to attempt]
Recipe: First, finely chop—
Me: I’m out.
Me: Ok, here we go. Right foot, yellow
Me: Left hand, red
Me: Left foot, green
Police sketch artist: this can’t be true
Horrifying if literal: arm candy
this is the most humiliating day of my life
In retrospect, Mr. Burns gave me an extremely unrealistic view of how funny a rich guy who controlled everything could be
Any t-shirt can be an ironic t-shirt if you hate things enough
I did it! I found the worst thing on the internet. A combination of so much awful.
My 8yo isn’t concerned about Covid-19 because she can, as she puts it:
Survive in harsh conditions.
She’s never even been been camping.
Dating me is like a walk in the park – Jurassic Park.
I enjoy romantic scrolls up and down your timeline.
Me: I wouldn’t miss it for the world.
Friend: It was yesterday.