Husband “I thought you were dieting?”
Me “I am”
Husband “You just ate 6 Oreos”
Me “Yes but I want to eat 12. See – Dieting”
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A horror movie where the girl in the woods actually outruns the mutated chainsaw murderer, then it shows him sadly limping back to his car.
You better check your child’s halloween candy bc I’m giving out polyhedral dice this year, and if you thought drugs were bad just wait until you see how addicting D&D is.
just got sacked from my job at a think tank for thinking about aeroplanes
him, leaving for work: we still need to talk about your soap opera addiction
me: *walks away and stares out the window as the rain starts to fall* just go
I love when people ask if pets are adopted, like no, I was in labour for 28 hours and it was an all natural birth, thanks for asking Linda
I’ve never been cut in half by a magician, but I have worn jeans on Thanksgiving. Same thing
Today a guy who lives in his van told me if he didn’t have a girlfriend, he’d ‘for sure’ date me. So at least I have that going for me.
godzilla: *godzilla roar*
me: godzilla, can we try using our inside voice?
godzilla: (sheepishly) …may i please have a snack
My 8YO turned vegetarian to save the planet, then decided to wait until after this weekend’s burger grilling
In a car crash a dog would rescue you.
However a cat would pour liquor over your face and testify against you in court.
Me: in a parallel world I am a huge success
Medic: please stop moving your arm so we can get it out of the vending machine
teacher: there’s no such thing as a stupid question
me: are sharks just mean dolphins
teacher: ok i was wrong
It’s ok, fake Christmas tree…
…my lights don’t all go on anymore either.
My spirit animal is fried chicken
Boss: I’m afraid I’m going to have to let you go
Me (a trapeze artist): Now!?!?
I’m closing my pizza parlor. The Board of Health revoked my slicense.
My boss says that I have some exciting new assignments coming, whoa buddy, I will be the judge of that.
I wonder if those Gmail password hackers know how much my dog hates having to learn a new name.
Saw a store that has a sign that reads, “We treat you like family!”
Yup, NOT going in there.
My name in Grease would be ChoRizzo.
God: check this out
Angel: [peering down at Earth] wow it’s chaos down there, what did you do
God: I made parking cost $10
Him: tell me about your longest relationship
Me: *thinking furiously* does Windows 95 count?
Since I’m wearing a white top, I’m going to go ahead and eat this meatball hoagie while I drive.
*1776
Jefferson)How do we gain our independence from England?
Washington)Let’s blow shit up
Jefferson)Great! How do we celebrate if we win
Washington)Let’s blow shit up
Jefferson)I like it
Kudos to Google for starting a company before you could Google, “How to start a company?”
If your wife makes a comment and you ask “how is that my problem?” It just became your problem.
I’m 25, which means I’m just as far from 10 as I am from 40.
Although, in terms of money and maturity, I’m still way closer to 10.
next question.
*15 seconds into makeup application*
I’m bored. This is good enough.
Wearing polar fleece in the winter gives me a sense of security knowing I can jump start a car with my finger.