A double negative is a big no-no.
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I was wondering why I wasn’t picking up any chicks recently, but then I realized my Monster energy sticker fell off my car
I want the school to know I’m taking teaching my kids at home seriously so I send them a fundraiser form that they have 2 weeks to sell $500 in wrapping paper.
My wife wants to rent a wood chipper next weekend, in case I suddenly stop tweeting,
Dude’s trunk just popped open in front of me on the expressway ramp. I instinctively looked to see if any of you were in there.
Michaelangelo: Yea, sure, I’ll paint your ceiling.
*To himself*
Errybody gon be naked tho.
Anyone know how to create an Outlook rule that sends every email to junk, deletes it, blocks the sender, and sets my laptop on fire?
[me as a DJ]
Where my single ladies at?
*drunk responses*
This one’s for you
*turns off music, serious tone*
This is a bad place to meet men
I’m not sure how many problems I have because math is one of them.
Expect the unexporcupine.
Coworker: You smell good. What is that? Armani?
Me: Thanks! It’s Febreze. I just took a dump.
A: Black coffee, no cream please.
B: Sadly, we don’t offer cream, sir. May I suggest no milk instead?
People will never forget you, if you push them down the stairs.
“I hope to find you well.”
I’m sure I had one dug somewhere on my vast estate.
Is Lent nearly over? I don’t know how much longer I can hold my breath.
Working from home really has its benefits. I can’t even remember the last time I wore pants.
Woman delivering my pizza:
Honored sirs, I am PRINCE KIELSEN and I am contacting you with exciting opportunity. I recently inherited an island but need a small amount of cash. Send a money order for $600,000,000 to my account and I will give you “Greenland.”
[dismissed from jury duty because I kept coughing loudly the words ‘bribe me’]
Once my husband had me watch a video of “the most amazing guitar player ever,” and I patiently watched in silence until the video was over before disclosing that I had dated the guy. It was an awesome moment.
My son’s impression of me is just him staring at his palm.
I haven’t waited this long for a result since I asked my wife to marry me.
My first class ticket to the weekend never arrived, so I went couch.
I watched someone eat an unpeeled cucumber like an apple today. No, no, it’s even weirder than you imagine.
Apparently everyone was too high in the 70’s when Grease came out to notice that every “student” at Rydell High looked like they were 35
Coming soon to Fox and Friends: a crime fighting duo useless at stopping mass shootings. They are THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS, Wednesdays at 9 pm.
All these years, i thought Ricky Martin was singing, chicken bonbon, chicken bonbon
ME: (signing) What color are apples?
BOBO THE GORILLA: (signing) Please free me from this prison
ME: (writing) Still struggling with colors
me: i love sleepovers
doctor: this isn’t a sleepover, you’re in the hospital
me: then why do I have this nightgown
doctor: that’s a hospital gown
me: truth or dare
doctor:
me:
doctor: dare
I don’t hate my job. I just really enjoy curling up in a ball and sobbing under a blanket in the backseat of my car during lunch.
Sometimes I really want to throw paper at people. Brick shaped Paper. Made of brick.
Judge: I’d like to call recess.
Defense Attorney: *running with hands in air* I call the slide!
Bailiff: *still zipping coat* Wait for me.