me: [pooping in a basket]
hot air balloon pilot: ok everyone out.
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F: The eyes on those dolls freak me out. I wish you’d get rid of them.
Next day
F *screams*
I meant get rid of the dolls not their eyes.
I take all my medical advice from the Uber Eats driver
zombie kid: why am i being punished
zombie dad: because i found your hand in the cookie jar
[insect crime scene]
ant detective: do you have any suspects?
ant detective2: no, but I’m starting with that nervous tick
These drawstring pajama pants practically fall down when I don’t tie them, so I guess another piece of birthday cake is in order.
“I wasn’t born yesterday” – Lying newborn baby
me: im just so tired of the monotony of my life, it’s exhausting doing and seeing the same things every day
target employee: you could probably just not come here as much?
computer simulation of what the punisher skull looked like when alive
It tastes fantastic but it takes forever to make. What should we call it? A trifle? Yeah, that makes sense.
My term for half of a 13×9 pan of brownies is “dessert”.
My term for the other half is “breakfast”.
If you thought the Dalai Lama giggled alot, then you obviously never met the Mwahaharajah
The packing insert from our robot vacuum looks like it should be guarding a temple somewhere.
Remember back in the day when your TV wouldn’t work so you’d bang it a few times? I tried that with my dishwasher and she ended up pregnant.
We put a lot of faith in teenagers who control the rollercoasters at amusement parks. A bad breakup between Tommy and “Princess” Cameron could be the difference between fun and “I don’t think we’re supposed to go around 17 times in a row.”
To change the traffic light from red to green, pick up your phone and try to read a text on your cellphone.
I just want to learn enough sign language to convince a hair stylist to cut my hair in silence
(Dracula has social anxiety and can’t attend the auction)
Dracula: (texting me) DO MY BIDDING
Jesus, take the wheel!
*steering wheel disappears*
*car careens into tree*
A guy walks into a bear and orders a drink. He didn’t notice my typo. Anyway, he’s dead now.
Overthrowing governments actually sounds pretty coup
You never know how strong you are…until your power steering goes out.
Her: you look great
My brain: say thank you
Anxiety: why does she hate me
Me: I have peanut butter in my hair
Hate when stores ban free plastic bags, they’re great for picking up dog poop. Guess I’ll find a new hobby to spend my time. Maybe get a dog
Decolonizing something is when you remove perfume from it
It’s cute that kids think they’re safer with the light on, when actually it makes you more vulnerable and easier to spot.
My creepy neighbour asked me if I think he’s creepy. The fact that he asked through my bathroom window after my shower just made it awkward
Note to self: Before committing any murders, get head and shoulders. Can’t be leaving DNA all over the place.
[ first date ]
her: i like a man who plans financially for the future
me: i swallowed $9.13 this morning that i won’t be able to spend until later
what I love in every old-timey photo of women dressing up their cats is how peeved the cats look