Ratatouille (2007) – A terrible chef knowingly allows a rat infestation in his employer’s kitchen to distract from his gross incompetence.
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I’m against the marriage of anyone whose first instinct is to film and then show the world their elaborate proposal.
i will avenge u mr van gogh
Motion-activated paper towel dispensers should define what motion activates them. I’ve yet to get one until I’ve done the entire hokie-pokie
choose your fighter(holiday edition)
IT: So you were hacked? What’s your login?
Me: KENNY…and my password is….
IT: FOOTLOOSE
Me: Wow…How did you know?
IT:
If you make a simple mistake but fix it right away, what year will your spouse finally let it go?
Don’t become a scientist y’all, it’s a trap.
When it works, you gotta do more experiments.
When it doesn’t work, you gotta do more experiments.
Went for a couple of dates with this girl. She invited me back to hers, said I could see her lady garden. I declined and never called her again – I’m not partaking in sexist horticulture
Especially if it’s THAT one … 🤣
Son: Dad, what does ‘gay’ means?
Father: It means ‘to be happy’.
Son: Are you gay?
Father: No, son. I have a wife.
The Twelve Days According to Mom
12 stacks of laundry
11 dirty diapers
10 toddler tantrums
9 teenage eye rolls
8 unwashed bottles
7 errands to run
6 kids fighting
5 min sex life
4 mins to shower
3 broken nails
2 giant eye bags
1 tired mom
[amazon dropping off my order]
Me: yes! my new recliner arrived!
Cat: yes! my new scratch pad arrived!
Me:
Cat: Tomato Tomahto
[My first day as a garbageman]
Text from wife: You forgot to take out the trash.
Me: Goddammit
We belong together like chocolate and strawberries, like burgers and fries, like laundry and exercise equipment.
Boss : Why Are You Late?
She : Heavy Traffic
Boss : Is that my fault?
She : Did I Blame You
BLIND DATE: My last boyfriend thought he was such hot stuff. But he was really just a big fish in a small pond.
ME, a giant worm in a hat and trench-coat: Ha, what a loser! But seriously like how big specifically though?
I don’t know what my husband is planning on doing for me for Mother’s Day but I hope it’s the laundry.
idk what he going thru but i feel him
The indescribable pain of having a client read off the options they see under “Settings.”
“I wouldn’t wish that on my worst enemy ” well I would. Step aside
I’ve had 3 men proclaim their love for me since the Coronavirus hit, so how’s your quarantine going?
Me: What’s your favorite book?
Date: War and Peace
Me: *mouth full of McNuggets* No, you can only choose one
No smoking? Really? You’re gonna let a fuel delivery system tell you what to do
Insomnia: she’s not going to sleep again and it’s all your fault
Coffee: she likes me strong and takes me late at night
Me: can you two stop talking about me like I’m not right here
Banking tips
You’re the unreachable booger of people.
One of the reasons I had to retire early is because I ran out family members that died excuses for not coming in to work.
Bscape Enyone Aan Can Have
Hell yes, I have the body of a Greek god: nice abs, expressionless eyes, genitals shot off by bored soldiers during The Franco-Prussian War
My wife insists on buying our daughter the expensive, growth hormone free milk. So there goes any chance she’ll ever have of being an X-Men.