Him: I need to see license, registration and proof of insurance.
Me reaching for purse: again?? Speed dating at a cop convention sucks.
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My doctor advised me to ease back into my exercise regime. So, today I plan on driving past the gym slowly.
I miss going to weddings just to bring home the centerpieces.
I’ve fallen in love on Twitter and I think the 7 of us will be very happy together
ME: I lied in my interview.
BOSS: what was the lie?
ME: all lies. except about my aunt.
BOSS: she wants to party with me?
ME: big time.
How dare you with another bird…😏😂🦜
Fairly sure most parole boards are more lenient than my wife in deciding who gets our holiday card
I’m starting to suspect the Christmas tradition of the kids cleaning the house for Santa while the parents nap is just something my parents made up.
*watching an elephant eat a ton of food* wow
*my cat watching me eat a ton of food* wow
My dad says “sometimes I say shit just so she’ll give me the silent treatment!” True love! 🙂
Got my son to paint our fence by telling him it was his first karate class.
Parenthood is mostly reminding the kids “no eating on the couch” while you’re eating on the couch & agreeing with them that life isn’t fair.
Inflation pfft, the worst part of going shopping is all the stupid people in the store.
Alien Leader: “Your species is too dumb and sad to take over. We’re just gonna leave.”
Me: “More like alie-outs.”
Alien Leader: “On second thought…”
*zaps me dead with lasers*
Whole world: “That’s fine, no hard feelings.”
This salad is delicious, probably because it’s a donut.
I like to do laundry in stages. For example, right now I’m in denial that I should be doing laundry.
I don’t need a pair of underwear, I just need one clean underwear.
*falls from grace*
PARKOUR!
I just told my daughter “doja cat doesn’t get enough credit” & she responded “I know, right” & nodded thoughtfully in agreement, but here’s the thing: wtf is a doja cat
Fox News knows we can google stuff, right?
It sucks that boomers got sports cars for their mid-life crisis but I’m probably just gonna start playing World of Warcraft again
The bathroom just ran out of paper towels, so obviously I had to wipe my hands on the next person I passed in the hallway.
Sugar is cheap. I want an avocado daddy.
I propose we rename our seasons:
• Blizzard
• Flood
• Oven
• Kinda Nice For A Bit
[sitting in airplane exit row]
me: [taps neighbor on shoulder] this power we wield over life and death is intoxicating
Please hold so I can transfer you to a supervisor and accidentally hang up on you.
[first day in prison]
“I need to speak to management. There is no way I can use this generic bar soap on my face.”
shaking hands is weird, it’s like “hey, i don’t know you. let’s touch each other”
Out of embarrassment, I just told a train passenger I’m crying cos my bf dumped me. Real reason is I’m listening to the Lion King soundtrack
explaining “the ring” movie to younger generations
me: so you watch this video cassette
them: a what?
m: and then you get a phonecall
t: oh please god no
wife: Can you get a baking dish out of the cupboard?
me: Yep *Googles baking dish*