And on the eighth day, God let the dogs out. And there was much confusion among the Baha Men.
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Me: and then I visited ancient Egypt
1-up Carl: well I’m going next year so it will be even more ancient then
Me: shit
it says here you got fired from Olive Garden because you kept saying
“pasta la vista, baby” to people. why would you put that on a resume
Me: Do you know the difference between hot and cold?
4: They both rhyme, daddy!
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Me: ha nice try
I: excuse me?
M: that’s how Lex Luthor beat Superman. I’m not stupid.
[standing outside in the rain]
*opens weather app*
Looks like rain today.
I guess if Porky Pig wants to flash someone, he just takes off his bowtie?
In my experience, the best way to get herd immunity is to go up and punch the biggest cow in the field right in the face. Those other cows won’t touch you bro. I haven’t gotten shit off a cow in three years now.
My dancing style can best be described as “newborn gazelle being chased by lion.”
me: how did he die?
him: he was trampled by a gang of elephants
me: a parade
him: no it’ll just be a regular funeral
I think “Ur mom” is a sassy answer to any question.
Especially “Who gave birth to me” or “Who divorced my dad”.
A cashier was giving me my change and said “have a good…” then looked at my face and said “…sleep.” This seriously just happened
Wife: *banging on bedroom door* I know about you and the murder
Me: oh shit
Crows: *in bed with me* finally we can be together
Slept with my makeup and now my pillow looks like the shroud of Revlon.
Granola Bars, for when you’re hungry & also want to teach your mouth a lesson
I want my morning coffee to give the same amount of energy that my kids get when they hear me say it’s bedtime.
jack knew rose for 2 days and died for her. i was with my ex for 3 years and wouldn’t loan him 5 bucks.
Hemorrhoids should be called a more gender-neutral name, such as themorrhoids.
*time travels to the 1950s*
Me: …and it’ll change the world forever. I call it the Internet
1950s person: incredible! How does it work?
Me:
Today is 3 wks in quarantine w/o sugar. Walking 3 miles a day, no meat, dairy or flour! I feel great! No alcohol & vegan diet! A 2 hr home workout everyday. Lost 14 lbs & gained muscle mass! I have no idea whose tweet this is but I’m proud of them so I decided to copy & paste it!
The pottery scene in “Ghost,” except you’re slowly but steadily pushing the other person’s face into the clay.
There will be no screen names left for our children’s children.
[Not realizing Black Mirror episode is just stuck buffering]
“Ah yes, this is excellent social commentary”
Friend: So, you are distantly related to the family next door, are you?
Me: Yes, their dog is our dog’s brother.
There is “Tea” in Team and I am not sure what I am trying to say here but it’s very inspirational.
Trying to watch what I eat again so I just ate an entire loaf of bread with half a jar of Nutella I’d say that’s a good start
(Item doesn’t scan)
Me: Does that mean it’s free?
Cashier: You’re literally the 100th person to use that line today.
Me: Does being the 100th person to use that line today mean I get it for free?
Don’t tell me how to live my life, box.
Coworker: *sneezes*
Me: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: *stabs them in the neck with a pen*
*opens your fridge and sees 2% milk* hey, your milk’s almost dead
They were cold and calculating, like an Alaskan mathematician.