Me: “I came to Twitter to be creative and express myself.”
Twitter: lol, you said “came”.
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those who pour milk into the bowl then add the cereal are villains at heart. we all know the correct way is to pour the milk directly into the box of cereal
Can’t, The Thundercats need me.
Adam and Eve were the first people to agree to the Apple terms and conditions without reading them.
My 8yr just said we go together like biscuits and cream cheese. And I can’t tell if that’s a compliment or contradiction
Drunk octopus wants to fight. He will rip your coat off your back.
According to the scale at my gym, all I’ve lost so far is 300 dollars.
If you add up everyone murdered in BBC crime dramas, there are actually only 40 people still living in the UK
REALTOR: It’s a great neighborhood. Wonderful schools-
ME: And the Pokemon?
REALTOR: …. sigh. Mostly Pidgeys
ME: I think I’ve seen enough.
When the Eagles wrote the lyric “We are all just prisoners here, of our own device,” they weren’t kidding.
Posted from my iPhone
Friend: Are you on social media?
Me, panicked: What’s a Twitter? Never heard of it. Nice foot clothes you’re wearing today.
America is a country where half the money is spent buying food, and half is spent trying to lose weight, and half is spent on education.
Sex at my age is like cooking spaghetti noodles;
At first, it doesn’t seem like much, but any more, and you’re in over your head.
COP: Pick up that wrapper.
ME: No.
COP: Okay, have a nice day.
I’m just like King Midas except everything I touch complains to human resources
Possible Fact: If you suffer with freezing cold hands, you are contractually obliged to test their temperature by putting them on people.
[Interview]
CEO: Why do you think you’d be a good fit at our firm?
GUY WHOSE DESCRIPTION IS SO LONG HE DOESN’T ACTUALLY GET TO SAY ANYTHING:
when you kill a mosquito someone else’s blood is probably on your hands.
My mom: why are you being so defensive
Also my mom: here is a 12-point presentation on how you can do everything better
when you are just born a rebel
My wife is in a Facebook group called Buy Nothing where people list stuff they’re giving away.
The other day, a lady came to our house to pick up two granola bars that we didn’t like
Tuna = the chicken of the sea, worms = the noodles of the ground, Penguins = butlers of the south.
I caught my insane ex going through my garbage, but I guess that’s what I get for dating a raccoon.
The problem with teaching a man to fish is that eventually somebody will microwave that fish in the work break room.
To the people who tell expectant parents to “stock up on sleep while you can,” please know that’s not how sleep works.
You’re telling me that not one of The Peanuts ever when into anaphylactic shock?
*chasing after the person that just robbed my house*
TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME SO I KNOW YOU GOT BACK SAFELY
I built an electric fence around my house. My neighbour is dead against it.
The worst part about the measles outbreak at Disneyland was still the price of admission.
ive modified my phone to deliver electric shocks each time one of you unfollows me. The pain will make me kinder, humbler, and more powerful
If I was a germ, I’d probably be from the 0.01% that Purell can not kill.