My goal was to look good in a bikini this summer, but the call of the warm bread dipped in oil is stronger.
You Might Also Like
Doctor: “You have a blockage in your small & large intestine”
Barista: …
Barista: …
Doctor: *Sigh* “Ok, Tall & Venti intestine.”
In a war with my neighbor to see who can attract more hummingbirds. We need more wars like this.
100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.
This is Eric’s wife. He accidentally left the house without his phone. TELL ME EVERYTHING.
Sure I could remove the price tags off the merchandise in this store but at what cost?
Nothing says “I enjoyed the taste of paste, fingerpaint, and crayons in first grade” more than a potato chip bag opened from the bottom.
how come you never see animal cruelty people protesting turtlenecks?
I can count on three hands the number of times I failed math and anatomy.
Maybe pandas can eat more foods than bamboo but no one has ever offered them a Twizzler.
Bee: *vomits* oh man, I don’t feel so good *vomits again*
Beekeeper: *reaches into beehive* sweet
Bee: oh hey Jerry, bad time I don’t feel gre- OH GOOD LORD WTF ARE YOU DOING?
[On a date]
Him: I’m really into cars.
Me: [Trying to impress] oh yeah me too
Him: Oh nice! What’s your favorite kind?
Me: [Panicking] red
[inventing eggnog]
Exec: Gag them, but festively.
” I made my famous dip for the office party”
You’re a regular Abe Lincoln.
“But he wasn’t a chef”
Exactly
Me: Ah, the elusive white penny
Cashier: That’s a button
Fly me to the ouch
Let me play among the ouch
Let me see what ouch is ouch
On ouch ouch ouch ouch ouch.– Frank Piñata
DNA doesn’t make you a parent. Stepping on a lego guy on your way to the bathroom at 3 am does
Bought a bag of Sweetheart candies & cracked my tooth on one.When I spit it out & looked at it,itsaid “Next time call when you say you will”
Are you there Santa?
It’s me, Midge
“Children can be very cruel,” I reassure my 6 year-old. “But sometimes it seems like you aren’t even trying.”
Truthful Tuesday. I don’t understand string theory or open faced sandwiches.
I’m sitting next to a beautiful woman at a bar so now it’s only a matter of time before nothing happens.
The average tiktok video is 24 seconds and let’s just say I can relate
I didn’t like you in high school, I don’t like you now. #WhyIDontUseFacebook
Want to feel old? We’re closer to the summer of 2069 than we are the original year Bryan Adams wrote that song about, the summer ‘69 AD.
Nothing freaks me out like when I’m ordering from a Chinese restaurant and I ask “What kind of meat is that?” and they answer “yes”
Cop: “We’ll catch the guy who murdered your husband.”
Tina: “My husband was murdered?!”
Cop: “Shit! Sorry… I have some bad news…”
[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo
Therapist: We need to discuss why you think the moon is your enemy.
Me: He controls the tides, you know. That’s too much power.
Newscast in the background: “-unprecedented number of tsunamis this year-“
Me: He’s trying to silence me.