Tony Hawk: *does a 360*
Tony Owl: *does a 360 while doing a 180*
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COP: Do you know why I pulled you over.
BLANKET: You were cold?
male coworker: how’s it hanging?
me: loose and to the left
him:
me: you’re not going to ask me that again, are you?
him: not a chance
Me: I have a hemorrhoid that looks like Don King.
Customs agent: I meant do you have any goods to declare?
Moms that name their daughters Stacy are the real narcissists.
Sorry I jumped out from behind the Doritos display at Kroger and started choking you, I’m new to all this roleplay stuff.
My dentist recommended I sleep with a mouth guard, but I’m skeptical insurance even covers who I sleep with.
I can’t grab a drink with you after work. I am limiting my liquids since I am wearing a jumpsuit
When I was little, I did not care about things like what to wear. My parents dressed me.
Looking back at some of my old pictures, it’s obvious my parents didn’t care either.
Girl at engineering school: I’m like the single-most clumsy person
[5 male engineering students emerge from bushes]
“Did you say single?”
Washed out as a mathlete. Now I (secretly) call myself an algebranaut.
I admire the guy who named duct tape. He was a marketing genius. He knew naming it abduct tape would be more accurate, but a harder sell.
Patient: Doc, my stomach is killing me.
DR DOG: *scratches chin* Have you tried eating grass?
I don’t know about you but I always take the road less traveled because chances are I won’t run into stupid people.
Her: I can’t cook because, I “believe” I can’t cook. And you want to know what makes me believe that?
Me: The arrival of the paramedics?
Rejected Pixar Movie Titles:
House Float
Find My Fish Son
Automobile People
A Rat Cooked This
Ugh, We Gotta Find Another Fish
There once was a poet on Twitter
who grew increasingly bitter.
He couldn’t surmount
the strict character count
and so his poems got even shi
*In the elevator*
Guy: Good morning ladies. You two going down?
Me: No. We’re just friends
Guy: ….
“Let’s go round and introduce ourselves”
#SixWordHorror
liquor on the top shelf is so expensive because the bartender has to stand on their tippy toes to reach it
I’ve been cutting my own hair for eight years. I didn’t expect it to take this long. I’ve missed out on so much.
Creams that smell like fruit play with your brain.
Tempted to eat my own leg.
Smells like mango, but would probably taste like rare steak.
*fakes own death*
*attends own funeral in disguise*
*takes attendance*
shout out to anyone that’s used a tube of super glue more than once
It’s like my racist grandpa used to say: “Good morning.”
That unrepentant bigot had many flaws, but cordial salutations wasn’t one of them.
Well maybe don’t invite me over if I can’t rearrange your furniture.
What do you mean I didn’t bring anything into this relationship? The washer and dryer were mine
Golf is probably fun if you like walking around outside in business casual.
Parole officer: Come in and take a seat
[me, finishing a jail term for stealing chairs] *starts sweating*
If I arrive wearing more than one hat it is because I could not decide & could not bear to leave one or more of them behind.