It was a smart phone until I downloaded Twitter
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It was 80s day at my 8yo’s school so I told him to walk to school and be home before dark.
Netflix never lets you forget you watched a sex documentary
[Son’s 1st day of school]
Me: Did you make any friends today?
Son: Yes!
Me: *kneels down next to him* how do you do that?
Found out I can become an IT pro in as little as 1 month with no experience & now I know where my company gets their IT pros.
“Rock. Paper. Scissors.” – terrible surgeon
First person to shoot fish in a barrel: I don’t even know how to describe how easy this is
8yo: *drawing family portrait*
Me: Hey, aren’t you forgetting someone?
8yo: Oh yeah. *draws Fortnight character*
A case of yoo-hoos, canned spaghetti and xanax. I’m like a 6 year old with anxiety and a driver’s license.
Her: so tell me a fun fact
Me: the plural of octopus is really octopodes!
H: I mean about yourself…
M: …I know the plural of octopus
*walks into a dollar store*
excuse me, where would I find the dollars?
I’m not wrong
Sub the word ‘hostage’ for the word ‘parent’ at your child’s next activity to spice up the conversations with all the other hostages.
boy pyromaniac: *starts first fire*
Dad pyromaniac: “im so prou-”
Mom pyromaniac: “dont say it!”
Dad pyromaniac: “im so proud of arson”
[shower song] Im all outta Dove
Im soapless without you
I’ll never get clean
Now that you are all gone
*grabs shampoo mic*
IM ALL OUTTA DOVE
They say a symptom of Covid is loss of taste.
Looking back at my exes? I think I’ve been infected for years
What doesn’t kill you, forces me to reload.
My plumber found a blunt in my faucet.
No wonder my water bills are so high.#PlumbersDay
Kids want to play with the box the toys come out of.
Men want to play with the box the kids come out of.
At my 12yo’s school awards ceremony tonight I danced in my seat just enough for her to see me, smile, shake her head in happy embarrassment, and look down to avoid accidentally smiling again
My work here is done
My 4yo thinks it’s fun to bring up special moments completely out of the blue. So all of a sudden I’ll hear, “mommy, remember when you forgot to water the plant and it died?” or “remember when daddy dropped the burgers on the floor?” Feels like we’re living with a tiny heckler.
Me: I don’t get it, how can you sell “gently used” coffins?
Coffin Salesman: Dead people don’t do barely nothin’ to a coffin, if you get ’em out quick enough
Me: You have mud all over your pants
Bahaha. Loving the support, maybe we’ll get this handled.
Romeo: I lost my cow
Juliet: wherefore art cow Romeo?
Top names for pet grasshopper:
• Jerry Springer
• hoptimus prime
• Legatron
• Jumpford & sons
• meredith
• billy BOIIIING thorton
• beyouncé
Her: You have selective hearing. You never hear criticism and only hear things that make you look good.
Me: Thanks, you look good too.
I bet M. Day Shyamalan movies would be a lot less scary, am I right?
I shaved my eyebrows off so I could become a successful poker player
People are like snowflakes: I can’t talk to them.
Ex bf: Would you give me a second chance for a Klondike bar?
Me: you can shove that square peg in your round hole.
“You can eat your eyeball after you clean your room.” Me, still parenting with Halloween candy.