My lotion bottle says to use it on areas of irritation, so I slathered it all over my coworker, Deborah.
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sure nickleback is great but have you guys ever heard of quarterback? they’re like 5 times better
[Jesus breaks bread]
This is my body[Jesus pours wine]
This is my blood[Jesus brings out Alex Trebek]
and THIS. IS. JEOPARDY.
Men will ask me to send nudes it’s like, sir I won’t even send clotheds
*gets up off bed*
*puts pants back on*
Oh…so you…you wanted ACTUAL tacos then?
Relationship Status:
Got put in the friend zone by a succubus playing around on a Ouija board.
I can’t even get lucky in the spirit world.
this is 10/10 content no notes
sorry I didn’t answer when you called, I had 6 Peeps in my mouth
Things will be fine, eventually, in thousands of years, for rocks
Elementary schools be like:
It’s Spirit Week!Monday is crazy hair day
Tues: paint your entire family blue
Wed: construct a Macy’s regulation sized float out of paper maché
Thurs: pledge 100k to the jogathon and earn a high five party
Friday is take your virus to school day
Here is a little money saving tip that I’ve learned: If you spend all of your money on tattoos, then technically, your money will be with you forever.
80% of my day is spent saying “dishwasher” after I hear a kid throw dishes into the sink.
BREAKING
Scientists warn that Earth could run out of conspiracy theories by 2025 if they keep coming true at the current rate
Gets 5 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired
Gets 8 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired and I’m late for work
Greatest villain Gotham city was its city planner cuz I get folks need jobs but come on. Who zones many deadly toxic chemical factories in the middle of dense populated city. And also out for drain to go directly into the River system.
“My dream is to create something that both dogs and fraternity brothers will enjoy chasing with equal vigor.” — inventor of the frisbee
“I’m dreaming about mashed potatoes”
Oh because Thanksgiving is tomorrow
“No, just a normal mashed potato dream like usual”
Not having a sex life has saved me a lot of money on razors.
He’s heavily invested in crypto so kinda clearly doesn’t know when to let something go
Nobody ever asked me to prove that I’m not an elephant, but I once lost an argument about being a french poodle
Doc thinks my mysterious headaches may lessen if I eat ice cream more slowly.
SNL labels their bathrooms comic relief
A couple introduced me to their new born baby, “Herriot,” and I was like oh wow how old is she, 87?
I’m the guy at the gym laying face down on the treadmill telling everyone “I’m ok, I’m ok”
I will piledrive the next kid who puts on a shitty movie then leaves the room.
If you’re not happy single, you won’t be happy in a relationship. True happiness comes from watching a seagull shoplift snacks from a convenience store, not from another person.
Sometimes I spend so much time on Twitter in the bathroom that I actually pee twice.
cop: your eyes are bloodshot, have you been drinking
me: your eyes look glazed, have you been eating donuts
cop: no I’m just high—wait a second
me: too late ur under arrest
After we got the divorce she let me have everything. Except the jewelry, and of course something to keep it in. I call it “the house”..
Halloween is the perfect time to trick people into believing you aren’t really going to use that ice pick you’re carrying around.