I stopped wearing skinny jeans when I turned 30. In hindsight, I should have replaced them with something else. I got arrested a lot that year.
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Just a bush.
My husband’s solution to us running out of clean cups was to buy more cups. Because not having enough cups was the problem.
Since it would take human contact to get Ebola. Everyone on Twitter is safe.
I told my kids their cash and coins are worthless now because they have the Queen and not King Charles on them.
They cried and cried and I’m up $83.
*Magneto flapping his wrist frantically, trying to shake loose a fork stuck to his hand*
A first kiss so tentative and awkward, you regret all the time you spent practicing on your beagle.
Did I just say that out loud?
Friend: Don’t come on too strong is my dating tip.
[At the restaurant]
Her: Can you pass the salt, please?
Me: Sorry, it’s too heavy.
I remember when peer pressure was all about drugs and promiscuous sex.
Now it’s Fitbit and who has the best gluten free recipes.
“I’ll have a rum and coke”
Is pepsi ok?
“Sure whatever”
*hands you a pepsi and coke*
Me: I want Botox.
Husband: What for? Your forehead?
Me:
H:
Me: What’s wrong with my forehead?
James Bond is trending so here’s ROGER MOORE in the greatest celebrity story ever. #JamesBond
Me: you need to do your homework
9: my teacher knows all the answers, why doesn’t she just do it herself
I’m texting hubs a grocery list one item at a time so he can experience his phone blowing up
Apparently banging the hell out of this remote doesn’t seem to be recharging these dead batteries.
Me: *Eating Swedish Fish*
Alexander Skarsgård: OH NO, MY KOI POND!
A lonely rooster sees neon sign flashing HOT CHICKEN STRIPS, walks into Popeyes and cringes in horror as he drops his dollar bills
[samurai kindergarten]
Sensei: CHILDREN! We do not hit each other. What do we do?
Kids: *in unison* We use our swords.
Feel like these super villains wouldn’t have to steal so much if they didn’t insist on paying for all their goons to be wearing the same outfit.
I got my first real 6-string
Bought it at the 5 & dime
Played it til my fingers bled
Mom sued the guitar manufacturer & settled out of court
I solve the trolley problem by choosing whichever option is more inconvenient for the passengers
The American flags on the moon have been bleached white from 44 years of solar radiation. If aliens ever attack, we’ve already surrendered.
Woke up thinking I’d look good in yellow.
Nope, looks like I was eaten by a shredded wheat box.
fedex left me a note that they missed me, which is so sweet cause I miss u too, u bunch of box-destroying psychopaths
What kind of dessert do ghosts always come back for??
A Boo Meringue
An app that makes your phone ring whenever someone asks “so what’s next for you”
My daughter had a friend who comes over that makes my other kids look less weird. I wish she was here more often.
The best way to save money on dental floss is by having your dentist remove every second tooth so your toothbrush fits between the gaps, instead.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
A great way to relive your childhood is to outgrow your clothes every few months.
Me: I bumped into your Grandpa earlier
Wife: My grandpa has been buried in the graveyard for 10 years
Me: My driving test went really badly
When parents say to kids “go to ur room & think about what you’ve done” it’s really good practice for what you’ll do every night as an adult