I love getting cute morning texts like “your order has shipped”.
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How’d you come up with the idea?
Inventor of pac man: I took a bunch of pills one night and ate a ghost. I thought “now here’s something”
Midnight snack: battle between how much you crave food versus how much you don’t want to brush your teeth again
[God creating the raccoon]
God: make it cute with a lil mask
Angel: haha aw okay
God: also make it eat trash
First Dates are like seeing a new doctor for the first time. How much do you want to tell them before you sound crazy.
This Halloween I’m going as a pissy woman who eats all the good candy and doesn’t answer the door after 8pm.
2020: the pandemic is coming you gotta stay inside
ME: oh no
2021: the pandemic is ending you gotta go outside
ME: OH NO
I don’t really argue with people. They just all end up washing ashore miles away under mysterious circumstances.
I just checked Web MD and a heart that grows two sizes is called a cardiomegaly and the grinch is pretty fortunate to be alive.
Crypto is over. This is the year of cryptic currency. Pay for your groceries with a mumbled prophecy and a cursed stone.
How long does Netflix have to be down before they send someone to your house to stroke your hair & tell you everything’s going to be alright
Kids…you can be happy about it being the last day of school, but you’ll never be as happy as the teachers.
Red light : Stop
Yellow light : Proceed w/ caution
Green light : Wait till everyone hates you then go
me: what’s a 3-letter word for compete
dracula: vie
me: for a crossword puzzle
Me:Come in. It’s not like I’m a serial killer.
Him:*laughs nervously*
Me: *laughing* u have to murder more than 2 ppl for it to be serial
When arguing, I let the other person speak first, then help them see my point by starting with, “Now, what I’m about to say is correct”
“Oh, we’re going for a 6 minute car ride? Let me just gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked first. Then I just need to run & hide your keys.”
-3 year olds
I tend to be very Snow White-ish with animals, but today a squirrel threw a nut at my head
Win some, lose some
Me: I’m just really tired, like, I only have enough brain power to think “where’s Kate Middleton?”
Therapist: Oh I haven’t really kept up on that
Me: OH HO HO
Stars! They’re just like us! Gaseous and dying
I just saw a guy with leather pants get out of an IROC-Z. I wanted to say “Welcome to the future, traveler. You’re going to love it here!”
(to kid at lemonade stand) i ain’t buying shit until i find you on yelp
A N U S
B U T T
M U F F
~ My reply when the optometrist asks me to read the lower lines, regardless of what I see
me: i feel like im being singled out because im the oldest person in this karate class and im winning all my matches
them: this is a daycare and you are under arrest
Can’t find your children? Try turning off the wifi. They appear suddenly.
Please boss, tell us again how important it is the company gets to $3 billion in revenue. I bought an 18 pack of beer with dimes last night.
Me: You’re supposed to be in bed. 11-year-old: I tried. Me: You tried? 11: It didn’t stick.
911 OPERATOR: 911 what’s your emergency
ME: ok promise you won’t be mad
trump: ban muslims
jeb bush: i disagree. just like dad would. who used to be president
ben carson: how did spongebob make fire underwater