the Itsy Bitsy Spider is my favourite kids song about absolutely refusing to learn your lesson
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I only ate one meal yesterday. It just lasted for six hours.
boss: WORKING HARD OR HARDLY WORKING?
me: HAHAHA[later]
cw: WORKING HARD OR HARDLY WORKING?
me: literally never talk to me gary
The cheese grader saw me walk in the house with a bag of shredded cheddar and shit got real awkward.
*calls out under the bed
Me: Are you still there?
Monster: Nope. Go to sleep.
A guy with a ponytail wearing mirrored sunglasses and camouflage pants just checked me out and winked at me. Still got it.
Today is 3 wks in quarantine w/o sugar. Walking 3 miles a day, no meat, dairy or flour! I feel great! No alcohol & vegan diet! A 2 hr home workout everyday. Lost 14 lbs & gained muscle mass! I have no idea whose tweet this is but I’m proud of them so I decided to copy & paste it!
“Hey pregnant, I’m dad”
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….
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“Oh god wait.”
Creating intrigue by texting “We need to talk about what happened at the lake house” to all my friends and following it up with “Sorry that was meant for someone else!!”
PERSON: Your baby is so cute
ME: Oh thank you
PERSON: They’re gonna be a real heartbreaker!
ME: Oh I hope not but thanks
PERSON:
ME:
PERSON:
ME:
PERSON: They’re going to devastate everyone who ever loves them
ME: Okay we gotta go now
A Vampire Bat is easy to spot due to its funny accent and little silk cape
Genie: What is your last wish
Me: Make me stop second-guessing myself
Genie: You sure that’s what you want?
Me: GAAAHHHH
My favorite sound in the world is my kids laughter.
A close second is when their breathing changes indicating they’ve fallen asleep thus giving me permission to stare at my phone peacefully
Luckily my rib cage protects my heart better than my head does.
The dentist asked me what music I wanted to listen to during my root canal so I said “More Than A Filling.”
When I was growing up, “Deadpool” was just what we called our neighbors’ hot tub after he mysteriously drowned in it.
Him: I should of told you I loved you a long time ago.
Me: *starts crying* It’s should have.
How bout you make like fabric softener and bounce.
If you attempt to rob a bank you won’t have any trouble with rent/food bills for the next 10 years whether you are successful or not.
“Still upset about earlier?”
Yeah
“So you knocked over a few spaghetti boxes at the store. No big deal”
I WAS A WORLD JENGA CHAMPION, SALLY
I couldn’t take Breaking Bad seriously bc Walter White looked like Ned Flanders.
Netflix has the AUDACITY to ask me if I’m still watching when it knows I left the remote on the dining room table and have NO intention of getting up. Smh
Whoever decided on spelling “biscuit” really needs to get their shuit together.
Yesterday I bought 6 bags of Goldfish because I have children.
Today I have 6 opened bags of Goldfish because I have children.
Become a parent, so you can be accused of “using up all the internet” when Fortnite glitches for a millisecond.
We talk a big game for a species that has a favourite cup
Ok, but if Kit Kats are filled with other broken Kit Kats, how did they make the first Kit kat ever?
A lot of people are mad that I broke into the zoo and dyed all the bears white. It’s polarizing.
“White Purr!” – Ku Klux Kat
How many tamagotchi funerals do you have to attend before you realize you may never be a grandparent 🤷🏻♀️
So after 75 long days, this week is finally over