Someone call or text my husband and tell him that dinner at Applebee’s is not a “night out on the town.”
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I think I just invented four new yoga poses trying to get a chocolate chip that I dropped under the table.
ME: well well well, look who’s about to make a killing
MURDERER: [just stabs me even harder]
Boss: Are you high?
[Me watching him evaporate] I hope so.
Kissing the back of someone’s neck is a sensuous thing to do.
Unless it’s a stranger in a queue in Primark.
I haven’t gotten my blood pressure checked in probably like 3 years, but I wear sunscreen every day because healthy living is about balance.
Me to client: Is there anywhere else you’re purchasing supplies with other than me?
Client: sadly no. Just you.
Me:
Client: I didn’t mean it like that!
when I was a teenager learning to drive, I was very concerned about what would happen if I had to sneeze while driving. someone would tell me what to do, and I would be like, “ok. and if I sneeze?”
Newsreader: “And now Tom with the weather.”
Weatherman: “It’s Tim, actually.”
Newsreader: “Sorry. And now Tom with the tim.”
Cop: Is that a turtle?
Me: …
Cop: Painted blue?
Me: …
Cop: With nails glued on?
Me: …
Cop: Mario Kart’s not real
Me: YOURE NOT REAL
My 9yo took the time to make this sign rather than just throwing the bag away herself, I’m gonna need a minute
8yo Me: *sneaks candy*
14yo Me: *sneaks cigarettes*
18yo Me: *sneaks alcohol*
43yo Me: *sneaks candy*Being an adult is stupid.
How many times is too many times to say ” oh boy ” during sex?
I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.
[Heaven]
Saint Peter: Welcome to the pearly gates! You’re here early; you must be dying to get in! LOL
Me: Too soon…
Damn boy, are you leftover pizza in the fridge? Because I’ve been thinking about you all night…
[movie night]
5: what should we watch?
Me: anything you want
5 [opens every movie case revealing Space Jam DVD inside] not again dad
Me at home: Why isn’t there more kindness in the world?
Me while driving: I hate every single person on this planet.
friend: let’s meet up soon
me: *in the crow’s nest of a ship docking outside your house* when though
And then I go and spoil it all by saying something stupid like – Never just be yourself. There’s something wrong with you.
waiter: “have we decided yet sir?”
me: [after practicing saying gnocchi to myself for 15 minutes] “the margarita pizza please”
lapland disappeared when finland got up from a chair
Me: *holding a devil’s food cake*
Satan:
Me:
Satan: Give it back…
“Haiku is 5 syllables, 7 syllables, then 5 syllables”
No, it’s literally 2 syllables
Scanned a customer in the eyes with a barcode reader for being rude to me….
…should have seen the look on his face, it was priceless
I read that the middle child is becoming extinct, so I guess you could say I’m an endangered species.
When people ask me for directions Im just going to do a really slow sarcastic Macarena .
Gym Bro: Dude, you gotta lift with your legs!
Me: I’ll eat this whole chicken any way I damn well please!
Cucumbers hate becoming pickles. For them, it’s a jarring experience.
Waking up the guy next to me on the plane to tell him to tell the stewardess not to wake me when they come around with snacks
Happy birthday to all the women