The rain is pounding so hard I’m kind of jealous.
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I was able to secretly eat an entire candy bar with my toddler in the same room so the CIA should be hiring me any minute now.
girl: i’m way into philosophy
me: who is ur favorite philosopher
girl: Hume
me: sorry whom is ur favorite philosopher
What a rip off.
There’s no pot in this chicken-pot-pie.
when people say I swear too much I’m like “well in my defense I read the news”
Random kids playing in park. Their parents to each other.
My kid told me people go bald because they stop watering their hair
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: I bet it was to compliment my excellent driving. You’re so sweet to give me positive reinforcement. Bye now. *drives off*
[farmers market]
me: how much for that pumpkin?
farmer: that’s my son
4-year-old: The baby woke up all on her own.
Me: You didn’t wake her up by being loud?
4: No, I was very quiet while I tickled her.
If I leave out a comma it’s because I don’t want you to breathe.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. She just started a new diet and I brought home half a chocolate cake from the office.
Samurai v. Cat ..who will win…🐈🐈
#TuesdayMotivaton
I forgot why I was retracing my steps so I gave up and re-retraced them back to bed.
“Mom, can you make me a snack and bring it upstairs?”
Me: “No! What is this, Denny’s?”
“Mom, Denny’s doesn’t have an upstairs.”
2021
Employees: We’ve decided to go in a different direction. We’re gonna have to let you go.
Managers: wut?
I don’t watch wedding shows and get excited about getting married but I do watch Dateline and get excited about being murdered.
me: how does this even happen
son: [head stuck in drawer] I dunno
wife: [eating birth control from pez dispenser]
Pizza won’t solve your problems but you gotta try something.
sexyaardvark69 [username taken]
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sexyplatypus69 [username taken]sorry this might take a while…
*Googles Yahoo*
Google: Wow. I’m right here
Me: oh look, there’s keith, don’t say anything, but he’s obsessed with doors. Oh, hi keith.
Keith: Shut it.
I never knew how long it took a human to fall asleep until I had kids. In case you’re wondering it’s 2 hours, 3 cups of water, & 18 books.
Toddler: My feet are cold, do you have any feet warm stuff?
Me: Yes, socks
Toddler: No!!
When something at the hardware store says it’s universal, that means it will fit every model on the market except the one you have.
birds really just be screaming at 5am, go make breakfast damn
Just heard a coworker say “yeah they’re trying to live bicuriously through their children”
“America’s Most Wanted” to return to the airwaves with an NFL edition.
Hipsters probly don’t eat carrots since they lose interest in things when there not underground anymore.
[home late]
Where were you?
“Uh, with my.. gf?”
Gf? Well, tell us about her! What’s her name?
[commercial on tv] uh.. Lisa.. Brandnewtoyota
Guys, if your lady tells you she needs windshield wiper blades, SHE DOES NOT MEAN FOR CHRISTMAS!