Is it normal for a cat to get smarter? When Max was a kitten he was really dumb but now he reads at an 8th grade level
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Someone told me they got a futon instead of a couch/chair because they wanted their furniture to be versatile.
You can use it for sitting AND lying down?
That’s cool, bro.
My chair can be used for sitting and lion taming.
5yo and her friend just ended an argument by deciding they would “have a piece of cheese and calm down”
So, yeah, she’s mine.
“Your call is important to us”
[67 minutes later]
“Your call is important to us”
[hold music]
Alanis: it’s like raaaaaiin 🎵
To whoever stole my antidepressants: I hope ur happy now
Neighbor’s rooster hacks & crows like he’s been a lifelong smoker
ok, hypothetically, if I stop to smell the roses, will I have to bend down to smell the roses or are these roses already at nose height
Diet app pops up “What did you have for dinner?”
*looking at glass of wine*
*turns off phone*
My teen yelled at me for not waking her up for school. She’s in the shower & I’m wondering when she realizes it’s Sunday. This is beautiful.
Well, I made it up past 9pm, so yeah, you could say my Friday night is wild and crazy.
I want a car horn that shouts obscenities.
me: any historical figure?
wizard: that’s right[later at dinner]
Beethoven: you seem disappointed
me: *hiding dog treats* it’s fine
If I could travel back in time to change anything I would go back 15 minutes and stop myself from agreeing to play with my toddler.
Every night at I say baby do you want to snuggle and watch tiktok
He hands me the remote and goes to bed
And that’s how it’s done
me:[opens mouth, a bunch of nickels fall out]
date:
me:to answer ur question i was “being quiet” so the nickels wouldnt fall out of my mouth
If we’re sharing dessert at a restaurant and you’re eating it at a quicker rate than me, I will kill you.
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Correct.
can’t stop thinking about the time I got shamed by a rock
Me: I’d kill for your body.
Female trainer: Actually, with consistent exercise and clean eating…
Me: No that sounds hard I’d rather do murder
I spend a lot of time looking at new recipes for someone who regularly burns instant noodles
At my funeral, please make my dead body do the ‘walking down stairs behind a couch’ into the grave
I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.
date: what do you do
me: i run a non-profit
date: which charity?
me: oh…no i’m just a terrible hot dog salesman
Me: I got a new car!
Him: What kind of mileage does it get? What’s the horsepower? How long is the powertrain warranty?
Me: It’s red.
I threw out all the clothes that no longer fit and now I’m a nudist.
Her: I feel a special connection between you and I.
Me: I think you mean between you and me.
Her: I don’t mean either now.
My favorite new hobby is walking by my four year old and unnecessarily explaining to her whatever the item she’s holding is. “That’s a plate. You use it to hold food when you’re eating.” Her:”I KNOW WHAT A PLATE IS! YOU DON’T HAVE TO TELL ME THAT!”
Son: Dad, you work so hard and never get any credit. You’re like a superhero!
Dad: Nice try. You’re still not getting the Internet password.
“WHY ARE YOU RIPPING OUT ALL OF YOUR FUR?!!”
-my dog, when I wax
Me trying to fit a 4 finger kitkat in my mouth because I’ve just heard one of the kids approaching