Skywritten letters:
SUSAN I DON’T HAVE A LOT OF MONEY FOR THIS WRITING BUT THIS IS HOW I WANTED TO PROPOSE; WILL YOU MAR
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Dear life:
If you’re gonna stick me with pimples at my age please give back my old body, my old mind, and most importantly my old Mustang.
My doctor asked me how many drinks I have each week. Who keeps track of that? I said I was an alcoholic, not a mathematician.
Paint me like one of your French girls….
With a big fat croissant in my mouth
women will be like ‘i just want to be friends’ and then turn around and use a can opener to open some tuna. idk, I’ve never spoken to a woman, im just trying to post relatable content, am I close
You know your exes are too similar to each other when four of them get mad about the same tweet
Fixing my grandma’s computer and I see that her search history is about seven various spellings of the name of the last guy I dated.
I ate the worst cake of my life today, but then again that must have been why it was free at the urinal.
Friend: What do you like most about Adele?
Me: Have you seen her work/life balance? She works for 6 months then disappears for 5 years.
Don’t tell a lactose intolerant girl you’ll “rearrange her guts” you’re not doing anything to her a glass of milk can’t do
“No. Delete it.” -Mona Lisa
we’re dead?
I’ve never gotten off the elevator at a hotel and walked in the right direction.
150 different species go extinct every single day. Even worse, you keep not being one of them.
Wife: who are all these children?
Me: *shrugs* you said pick up the kids
Wife: I meant our kids
Me: yeah, that makes more sense
People always say I make things sound sexual but I try not to pry them open and force my thick throbbing opinion down inside them.
Me: *clicks on YouTube video to learn how to do something I’ve never done*
YouTube video: In this 30 minute video-
Me: I can take it from here.
There’s no way I’m the only person who thinks Kristen Stewart is doing the world’s best Garfield impression.
My son is sitting next to me here playing some kinda shooting game and complaining about people using aimbots.
As someone who’s cleaned his bathroom I wish he’d use them too.
termite twitter scares me
[falling down elevator shaft]
me: soon I’ll reach the elevator balls
Excited for my new sour patch kids diet. I think this is the one
Surprise parties are great. Depress your friend by pretending to forget their birthday, then terrify them briefly
My cat just wrote the Great American Novel. Let me read you a page, “Meow meow meow meow meow meow.” Dunno, think it’s a little pretentious.
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
*notices keys/wallet/pills in a weird place*
Other people: I should put that back where it belongs
Me: I’ll definitely remember that it’s there next time I look for it
My cat is meowing loudly so I told her to use her indoor voice and she was like, “bitch, I’m an indoor cat. This IS my indoor voice.”
Listerine, for when you feel like killing all 10,000 taste buds at once.
Teenagers should not handle weapons to fight crime or be turtles.
ME: I’m so nervous. It’s my first day on the job. I definitely fibbed on my qualifications to get this job. Hope I can figure it out before I mess up.
CO-PILOT: …What?
I pirated a movie yesterday…
I gave it 3.14 stars.