Me: How’s it going?
Coworker: Can’t complain.
Me: Try harder.
Coworker: Life is meaningless.
Me: Atta boy.
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[planning heist]
LEADER: we can kill the alarm, but how do we get through the concrete wall?
*everyone turns to look at the kool-aid man*
3 am phone call, “Hey, are you asleep?” Nope, Im skydiving.
[someone likes me as a friend]
Heart: hey you should fall in love with them
Me: what? no
Heart: *80s power ballad starts playing*
[2 toads chillin’]
Yo, we should start a rumor that if u lick us you’ll get high.
“Whaaaat, that’s genius.”
We gon’ get mad licked, son.
*cocks gun*
Me: “Go ahead.”
Horse: “Just be cool, man.”
Me: “DRINK.”
Horse: “No problem. It’s just a stupid expression.”
9-1-1 help, someone buried me alive *looks at phone* christ, and there’s no wifi
if i can have dinner w anyone dead and alive, i’d pick kate middleton
if you have a cat tell them i said pspspsps
Yesterday I wanted a pizza. Today I’m eating one.
Fight for your dreams.
Another Fast and Furious movie coming in 2023 if they don’t name it Fast 10 Your Seatbelts I’m going to be very disappointed.
Show me someone who says they haven’t used chemistry since school and I’ll show you someone who doesn’t ignore warnings on bathroom cleaners
I love when kids are like “Ah ya gaba boo ma beeba” and their parents are like, “yes that’s right liam we DID have so much fun in New Hampshire last Fourth of July!”
Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re paranoid.”
Me: “My resume has been talking behind my back?”
Me: Excuse me sir, can you please forward my X-ray and breast exam results to my doctor
Airport security:…
A boy asked his bitcoin-investing dad for 1 bitcoin for his birthday.
Dad: What? $15,554??? $14,354 is a lot of money! What do you need $16,782 for anyway?
Shoutout to my upstairs neighbours for finding a loophole in the ‘no elephants’ clause in their lease
People who tell you to get your kids to help don’t understand how kids work
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i always wear cargo shorts
professor x: that’s stup- *coughcough* sry my throats dry
me: oh here have a gatorade
professor x: thanks man
Colonel Sanders started KFC when he was 65 years old. Which just goes to show… You’re never too old to cook chicken
Ever take a look at @thefunnytweeter? I’m honored that they have some of my tweets on a page.
Watch out for scammers…if you see my profile pic or name asking for money and nudes, that’s not me. I’d only ask for nudes and recipes
men invented arm wrestling so they could hold hands and look in each other’s eyes
I hear the Pink Panther song when I sneak down the hall for a midnight snack..
Smoke alarms are stupid — like I’d ever forget to smoke.
Doctor: What’s the problem?
Me: Our baby cries all night
Doctor: That’s quite normal
Baby: ALL NIGHT
Doctor: Holy shit
The best sandwich I ever had was roast beef and brie at the Museum of Natural History cafe. It’s a memory that gets me through the tough sandwiches.
Just ran into my therapist and she didn’t recognize me and I’m not sure who I’m supposed to talk to about this
Woke up last night and the ghost of Gloria Gaynor was standing over my bed. At first I was afraid, i was petrified.
So nice of the Oscars to give this tribute to Selma then not nominate it for anything