Me: Pfft.. There is scientific evidence that a woman’s brain is lighter than a man’s.
Her: Perhaps because it gets more exercise.
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ME: we have a problem, i’m out of beer
HER: it’s ok i don’t drink
ME: ok we have 2 problems
I use a wheelchair. Whenever I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my greatest weakness is, I always want to say, “Stairs”.
[robbing a bank]
I would like to withdraw everything (narrows eyes) illegally
The next Mission Impossible movie is about Tom Cruise trying to reach a cup in the cabinet above his oven without a step stool.
Welcome to your 40’s. Right after you’re done peeing, you feel like you need to pee.
Some people are like sunglasses. Your day just becomes so much brighter when you accidentally drop them off the side of the boat
Sorry I only date guys who are at least 6’ (away)
My dad called and asked which brand of bourbon I would be most thankful for next week.
My mom must have sent him grocery shopping.
My toddler has just learned how to say her brother’s name. So now she keeps repeating his name over and over, which is driving him absolutely crazy. I have to admit that I’m kinda enjoying it though. Better him than me!
“I smell carrots. Do you smell carrots? ’cause I smell carrots…”
~ Snowmen.
angel: why did you change the name to ’skunk’?
God: I thought ’stinky cat’ gave away the surprise
Me: If you can’t wear white after Labor Day why do people dress up as ghosts for Halloween?
Waiter: I meant any questions about our menu.
Presents open. Now to watch my children watch other children play with the toys I bought them on YouTube.
I try to kill that fly in the house five or six times and then just open the storm door and let him fly away. It was never personal.
My neighbor just yelled at her kids so loud, that even I brushed my teeth & went to bed.
What about a Hallmark movie where a country farmer with a heart of gold visits family in the big city and finds cheap lust and superficial thrills in the arms of a steely and powerful businesswoman?
Soccer is fun until you think about the ball’s feelings.
Fear and ignorance would gay-marry each other if they weren’t both opposed to it.
Wife: We’re supposed to get 8-10 inches tonight. Me: That’s what she said. Wife: Can’t you do any better than that? Me: That’s what she said
Dear nurses, you don’t have to announce my weight just write it down. That’s why I have my eyes closed when I’m on the scale.
My daughter was ‘graded’ 7/10 and 14/10 in her homework (just to color some objects) last week and 2weeks ago so I wrote in her correspondence book that 14/10 was an error.
School replied “Tara’s Mum, those were dates. We do not grade toddlers.”
I am embarrassed for myself.
Imagine being held hostage for an entire video game and when your rescuer finally gets to you they were like, “Sorry it took so long, I had to find a special hat and help some villagers collect blueberries.”
Pilots just fly straight into them clouds init, they don’t even know what’s in them. Could be bricks
Let me sing you the song of my people
*moves and 97 joints pop*
When Prince Adam called upon the power of Greyskull and turned into He-Man, it didn’t make him bigger or stronger it just made him more naked
Me: What did you learn about at school?
10-year-old: States.
Me: What did you learn about them?
10: That there’s too many.
A cat burglar, but it’s just me putting stray cats in people’s houses when they leave
*Wakes up*
“Wow I feel pretty good”
*Moves body*
“Maybe I spoke too soon”
[slipping waiter a five dollar bill]
can you make sure my green beans and mac n cheese don’t touch on the plate