Survey: How would you rate the cleaning products you recently purchased from us?
Me: I had to clean.
0 out of 5 stars.
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I don’t like being asked “are you at home?” Please expand further so I can know whether I’m at home or not.
At the last supper Jesus was probably like it would be way more comfortable for everyone if some of you sat on the other side of the table
when i got diagnosed with adhd (as an adult) the psychiatrist referred me to some helpful articles and i was like mm not sure you fully understand the situation
Today I want to talk about how someone (the neighbor’s daughter) screamed so loudly about getting a new car (happy birthday) we thought someone was being murdered.
Edward Scissorhands: Maybe he’s born with it, maybe he’s Wolverine
Middle children as adults still trying to get attention because the oldest is being dramatic and the younger child is getting away with everything.
I’m now on year 3 of the ‘7 day ab challenge’
I’m sorry for the plans I made when I was feeling sociable.
-me canceling my Dr appt
[Jaden Smith at aquarium]
“…any questions?”
Do Crabs Think Fish Can Fly?
“No”
What If Our Air Is Just Bird Water?
“Huh”
How Can Birds Be R
What’s the best martial art to teach a child? Nothing too aggressive; I just want my son to be able to defend himself. He’s 8 months old
Me:
Neck pillow
Knee pillow
Hug pillow
Head pillow
Ankle pillow
Back pillow
Thigh pillow
Foot pillowHim:
Pillow
Providing directions like “when the wind blows northeasterly, you’ll come to a rickety old white mansion with an old crone in a rocking chair on the porch—turn to the exact angle her nose points, then continue until a frog hits you in the face. I’ll be the one throwing the frog.”
I’ve become obsessed with the idea that Jesus was a terrible guitarist but no one told him to stop because they were afraid of his dad.
Tweeting and grocery shopping don’t mix. I’ve been down every aisle and just realized all I have in my cart is a cabbage and someone’s baby.
[Bank robbery]
*Other robbers jump into getaway van* “DRIVE! DRIVE! DRIVE!”
“Okie dokie.” * Starts to adjust mirrors*
Sometimes I regret teaching my children an evidence-based approach to life #FathersDay
Pringle’s: Once you pop, the fun don’t stop!
Me: *covered in Pringle’s shards and grease, surrounded by empty tubes* It’s true I’m having the time of my life
[front of card]
No one will find your body[open card]
as attractive as I do[back of card]
lying at the bottom of an abandoned mine shaft
Yesterday we got a puppy and my kids are so smitten that they’ve cut down their screen time enormously by 5%
Assorted bandaid box-
3 in a size you need
12 you can make work
35 round to weigh box down
If a tree falls on your Ex in the woods, and no one hears it, still get rid of the chainsaw just in case.
if the mechanic starts explaining the problem by saying “I don’t know who worked on this car before me…” you may as well just hand over your wallet and check back in a month
No matter how often I scream METALLICA in the poolside DJ’s face I don’t think he’s going to play them. Here come the police they’ll help me
Optimus Prime: “I transform from a robot into a truck. You?”
Amazon Prime: “I transform money into regrettable internet purchases at 2 AM.”
When someone is trapped in a bear cave, offering to send more bears in is frowned upon. I know this now.
*Does one sit-up. Whispers to self.
“That’ll do pig. That’ll do.”
i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt hav any chicken so i fried a egg and now im waitig for it to hatch
ME: *holding 6 puppies* YOU TOLD ME YOU WANTED TO ADOPT!
SPOUSE: Children. I want to adopt CHILDREN.
ME: *defensive* They are our children.
I opened a bottle of wine to let it breathe.
It didn’t. So I gave it mouth to mouth.
Don’t mess with me. I come from a generation that would walk to a mail box to mail a letter if we were angry enough with you.