paparazzi followed me 2 a shoot so I tried 2 think what I could do that would yield the most onion-ish possible headline and it worked haha
You Might Also Like
Saint Waddle is the patron saint of pancakes and ducks. She loved to flip the bird.
Confidence is important.
Because wishy-washy just will not get you a prescription for the good drugs.
When my therapist asks how my anxiety level has been
I have this recurring nightmare where I’m vegan and religiously doing crossfit, but I’m stuck on a deserted island and there is no one to tell.
My husband’s solution to us running out of clean cups was to buy more cups. Because not having enough cups was the problem.
I created a series of recipes that cause diarrhea. I call them cleanses. It’s all about branding.
If we can land on Mars then we can figure out how to get someone else to go to the bathroom for me I’m not discussing this further
a little girl walked up to me at the grocery store calling me “mommy” and her dad came up behind her and said “no she’s at home why am i not enough” LMAOOOOOOOO
[interviewing to be a lifeguard]
me 🎶 I’m too sexy for my shirt 🎶 Too sexy for my shirt 🎶
interviewer: ok, I get it, you keep repeating that. Do you know CPR?
Inside you are two wolves as city sprawl continues driving them from their natural habitat
taking June’s advice to heart
Young Cat: so the trick is to meow loudly whenever I want something
Older Cat: (smoking cigarette and gazing off into the sunrise) kid, the trick is to meow loudly for no reason at all
Me: What were you and daddy just laughing about?
9: You
Me: What about me?
9: You won’t think its as funny as we do
McDonalds could burn to the ground and I bet the fries would still be cold
Them: You’ll sleep when you’re dead.
Me: I’ll go ahead and take an advance, if it’s all the same.
Got to THE GATES and St. Peter said, “Go home you’re drunk!” Just another time alcohol saved my life.
Panicked when I saw “Godzilla” was trending, until I found out there’s a movie.
I woke up today with what appears to be a spider bite. I better get super powers or I’m going to be pissed.
Pick up a book, any book. Open to the middle, and read the first paragraph.
Make sense?
Welcome to Twitter.
a ‘suggested’ serving size of chips seems to have been calculated by someone who has never eaten a chip
Kid next door asked if I could help him with his math homework, I said sure kid right after we play hide and seek, I’ll hide first.
Math Problem: Tom has 35 apples. Richard gives him another 26. What does Tom have now?
Me: A terrified doctor.
My wife will fix her hair before she puts on a seat belt in the car because if she dies, she WILL LOOK GOOD dammit.
This could be the Alcohol talking but….
OMG you guys! The ALCOHOL is TALKING!
I once broke up with a guy because he ate half my french fries, and when I get really lonely, I still think about those french fries.
I drink because it’s difficult to eat alcohol.
“I should probably start filling this thing out.”
-I say about my son’s baby memory book on his wedding day.
Avoid cars that have a sign saying ‘baby on board’. That driver has only had a couple of hours sleep and is likely to be suicidal.
Why can’t deer slowly cross the road, all cool and Pacino like
“I’m walking here!”