Him: If you’re waiting for me to apologize…
Me: No…no…I’m just waiting to see if you leave any fries behind when you walk away.
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#WorstWaysToStartALoveLetter
What started as a simple prostate exam, has blossomed into something special…
ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
COP: Where were you the night of murder?
Grandma: It’s funny how often on TV shows people hallucinate with dead loved ones
Me: how’d you get out of the casket
I did 1 single thing on my to-do list today which means now I get to watch 11 hours of TV
Me: Ok I exercised, can I have some of those endorphins please?
My Brain: You just tied your shoes dude
you know when you see people you were friends with as a teen and you’re like “wow they got really old” and then you’re like oh no
Officer: “didn’t you know that sleeping in your car on the side of the road is illegal ?”
Me: “yes I did officer. But this isn’t my car”
*gets out of bed*
*steps on something*
me: Ugh
*turns light on*
wife: What is it?
me: The cat caught another smart car
Stood up by two different men, two days in a row… what’s a girl gotta do to get a quote on a new roof these days.
Husband: Why are there two broken condoms on the backseat?
Wife: Please stop calling our kids that.
Whenever I see ‘faeces,’ I think ‘faces,’ like “oh my gosh they smeared faces on the wall.”
I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
[pulled over]
Cop: Sir the reason I stopped you is your license plate is just a piece of paper with numbers written on it
Me: (offers badly drawn $100 bill) Oh you don’t say maybe this will clear everything up
So creative 😂
[hospital]
DOCTOR: Your wife signed a DNR
ME: I’m here for a sprained ankle
DOCTOR: She insisted
Me: AI, how many fingers am I holding up?
AI: 17.
Her: Wow… You really cleaned up the place
A cockroach with a little bow-tie waddles by
Me: Anything for you baby girl
[giving commencement address at graduation]
“My fellow graduates, the best life advice I have is: if you don’t already know how many calories are in a tortilla, never look it up”
do u know the muffin man
the muffin man
the muffin man
do u know the muffin man
that lives on d-d-d-d-d-d
DROP THE BASS*club goes nuts*
Thought I was saying, “Bye bye” at the end of a phone call, and it came out, “Bye bay,” and then I’m in a panic, thinking she may have heard it as, “Bye, babe,” and she’s not someone I can “babe,” and then the rest of the evening I have a new episode of Seinfeld in my head
My OnlyFans would be me editing your papers before you submit them.
OnlyFANS = Only Flawless Apostrophes ‘N Spelling
“The author clearly signals that this is a tale told by an unreliable narrator,” I explained, gesturing to the stack of forms.
The IRS agents were not amused.
4 said he went potty and I asked if it was number one or number two. He said number 7, and now I’m terrified to go into the bathroom.
So I just moved into my new apartment.
Directly below me is a police station.
It would appear that I am above the law.
Her: Awww. Can I hold your baby?
Me: Of course. Here you go.[later]
Her: Can I see your phone?
Me: *eyes narrowed* Are you insane?
this is me not knowing my powerpoint presentation was not showing up on the screen but my wallpaper instead
People who finish their entire stick of lip balm without losing it first should be the only ones allowed to have kids.
“honey, I can’t wait to do missionary later!” *Gets excited* *Wife leaves for third world country-helps many*
society: women your age are invisible
me: *robbing a bank* cool, cool
“Just make sure Nazis NEVER march with tiki torches. I’m trying to save Germany, not Gilligan’s Island.” — Hitler’s last words