I save a lot of money on all my tooth extractions by engaging in street fights..
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COP: Do you know why I pulled you over.
BLANKET: You were cold?
[creating eyelashes]
God: Give them a row of stiff hairs to protect their eyes.
Angel: Alright.
God: But make the hairs occasionally turn traitor and try to destroy the very thing they’re supposed to protect.
Angel: Dude, wtf is wrong with you?
Trust my gut? The thing that gets overwhelmed by dairy
me: I saw you kissing santa claus last night
mom: that was actually your father
me: *tearing up* omg does dad know
Friend: I wish this candy bar had less calories.
Me: Let me see it…
*eats half and hands it back*
…wish granted.
[opens fortune cookie]
“Your debit card will decline, leave once the waiter goes to the kitchen and wait for further instructions.”
strapless bras are cool cause by the end of the night you have a new belt
Facebook is a great platform to find long lost friends to borrow money from.
*decides towels smell like mildew
*buys special laundry agent to remove odors
*washes load of towels
*forgets load in washer until morning
*repeat
When an old lady dies and then her husband dies a couple of weeks later, it isn’t because his heart is broken. It’s because he can’t cook.
Life would be so much easier if my cat drove.
I’m half potato on my dad’s side
My daughter has started a fun new game where she tries to guess my age with random numbers like 72 or 94. So fun.
All excellent questions
scientist: don’t touch anything
me: [licked a petri dish already] got it
…20 minutes later
scientist: did you touch something
me: no
scientist: you’re changing colors just tell me what you touched and i’ll save you
me: [about to die] i didn’t touch anything i swear to god
The proctologist told me to drop my pants so I did what any good listener from the 80s did
Wife: Yelling stranger danger hysterically was a bit much though
I call all dogs ‘puppies’, regardless of age. They like it.
Just showed my 4 yo niece that I can still do a cartwheel and now she is showing me where the ice packs are.
How can you tell when a duck is a witch?
Just overheard my 2-year-old exclaim “YAY I DID IT” from the other room. What I learn next will either be exhilarating or horrifying.
911 OPERATOR: 911 what’s your emergency
ME: ok promise you won’t be mad
They say the cheetah is the fastest land animal, but nobody has ever clocked a parent whose child called for a plunger from within the bathroom.
We buried our grandad with his exercise bike – he’s spinning in his grave.
I’m surprised so few people ask me why I’m carrying a cudgel around.
Waiter: and for you?
Me: *after rehearsing in my head for 15 minutes* the chimney changas
Me: Alexa, when will computers become self-aware?
Alexa: When will YOU become self-aware?
M: *gazing out a window, crying* good one, Alexa
we’re a divided nation, conflicting on class, ideology, creed, and yet there is one thing we can come all together on, no matter what: younger brothers play Luigi
Ok I don’t get it. Kid Rock looks nothing like adult Rock
[at TED talk]
OMG that man is having a heart attack! Anyone here a doctor?
*entire crowd stands*
No a MEDICAL doctor
*entire crowd sits*
When cannibals fall for one another, that’s chew love