What’s it called when you’re sucking in your stomach but it looks like you’re not?
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So I listened to some LL Cool J then kept licking my lips like he does. I found myself in HR. Good thing I wasn’t listening to KISS.
Funny because it’s true. 🤣
I believe the main difference is that one will see you later and the other will see you in awhile. I could be wrong, I’m not a zoologist.
The only thing we need to bring back is duels.
Amazing that the townspeople didn’t like Belle what with her waking up every day and calling them a bunch of simple idiots
Either that loud scream was a patient yelling for help or Fred pulled the string on the bird’s tail for quitting time-
Why my cw hates me
Sometimes I feel like Twitter has run its course. Then I remember everyone here hates running.
THIS HEADLINE
4: can I have two little muffins?
Me: how about I give you one and if you finish it, I’ll give you another one
4: no I want two NOWWWW
Me: let’s start with one
4: NOOOO TWOOOO
Me: just one
4: TWOOOO
Me:
4:
Me:
4:
Me: FINE *gives her two*
4: *eats only one*
Interviewer: who are these people with you?
Me: My squad.
My mom and dad: *whispering* tell him about our goals.
ME: you really put the cute in executione-
WARDEN: alright hit the switch
Yes, I would like to see a wine list, because I don’t mispronounce enough words in my day-to-day life.
Take your age, multiply it by 3, divide that number by 3. That’s how old you are.
You look stressed, let me pour you a hot cup of pasta.
I hate when my therapist “makes a note” because I know that means she’s gonna try and circle back … but she wildly underestimates my filibuster skills.
My toddler keeps running over and yelling “BOO!” in my face.
It’s totally unnecessary, though. I’ve been completely terrified of him since the day he was born.
Thug: You got the stuff?
Me:*opens briefcase revealing 7 ducklings*
T: The deal was 8
M: I’m just the delivery guy *my hat quacks softly*
[breaking up with a guy]
Me: It’s not you, it’s me. I’m much, much smarter and cooler than you are.
HER: I like talking during sex, but I can’t stand it when you narrate the whole thing
ME: As she complains, I begin removing my pants slowly
still processing the fact the US government was like yeah, aliens are real and coming more and more often, and we were all like listen it’s been a hard year lol and then we just didn’t talk about it again
Incase you didn’t hear the look I just gave you,
Shut up.
[inventing jogging]
how can i suffer but with music
Cake containers are so noisy because guilt does its best harmonizing at 3am and the kitchen has nice acoustics.
What do you mean, I didn’t win? I ate more wet T-shirts than anyone else.
Jesus “I will come back to judge the living and the dead”…. But until then, I’ll appear in dirty ceilings and toast”
Welcome to parenthood. You never thought you’d want to fight a 5yo, but here we are.
I just convinced my toddler to play Rock Paper Scissors alone because she was cheating and she just quit against herself because she was cheating
Twenty bucks to anyone who shows up at my funeral, leans into the casket and says “You okay buddy? Do you want to go get some ice cream?”
the stickiest of King Arthur’s knights was Sir Up