This sounds more like an accusation than a question.
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PRO TIP: Stall your execution by asking if the lethal injection chemicals are gluten-free.
Told my coworker to shut up or I would slash his tires. He laughed, I laughed. Now I’m by his car with a knife and I can hear sirens. 🙁
I’ve been reading about a scientist who’s working to increase the size of male deer.
He’s hoping to make big bucks.
Watched the movie Gravity tonight. Didn’t see as much gravity as I expected. Two thumbs down based on that.
WARNING: Ham radios taste nothing like ham!
If they ever invent time travel my dad would still insist on leaving early to avoid traffic
THE WORLD WOULD BE SOOOOO MUCH HAPPIER IF EVERYBODY WAS A DUCK
If you upload these, I hope you enjoy hell.
Dermatologist asked why I want my tattoo removed and looked at me like no one’s ever said “because it’s my ex’s Twitter handle” before.
He died doing what he loved: being alive
Bet sidewalk and fireplace were named by the same person
I pretend my bruises are sex bruises instead of I tripped over my cat while trying a new dance move bruises.
Me: I CAN’T BREATHE
EMT: *checks my pulse*
Me: I’M GONNA DIE
EMT: What happened?
Yoga instructor: He was putting his shoes on
Imagine having a subordinate at work who can’t perform basic job duties, requires constant oversight, and questions your every decision with another supervisor. Parenting. I just described parenting.
Driving and trying to read twitter, I just ran over a poodle. Unfortunately I drive a Yaris. My car got a dent and the poodle got annoyed.
Conversation between my mom and my 12 year old brother. I am in tears.
Rage against the machine? I bet it was a printer.
*job interview*
“So this yearbook isn’t your resume?”
“No. I’m not a moron. Those are my references. I highlighted all the NEVER CHANGE’s.”
6-year-old: Is it cold outside?
Me: Yeah. You should put on a sweater.
6: I should stay home.
why do “youngster” and “elderly” get to be words, but “oldster” and “youngerly” don’t?
[Restaurant]
Me *has a sip and nods at date* yes, that’s fine, we’ll have a bottleWaiter: One ketchup coming up
One time i watched a movie where al pacino played a cop & then i watched another one where he was a real estate salesman & then another one where he was a union leader & i was all, like, “haha, can this guy NOT hold down a job?”
Someone rang my doorbell today and I’ve never Stopped, Dropped, and Rolled under my couch faster.
My favorite part of the gym is leaving. And girls in stretch pants.
You gotta know when to hold em
Know when to fold em
Know when to walk away
Know when to runThis concludes your parenting course.
Someone cut in front of me in the salad bar line today.
I didn’t do anything because anyone who wants a salad that badly terrifies me.
My daughter forgot to bring her lunch to school today. It was delicious.
Zelda was easier as a kid because if you hit a hard puzzle you could just wait a few days for more brain matter to come in but now it’s the opposite, if a puzzle’s hard I have to rush to try and figure it out because I’ll probably be dumber tomorrow
***TRAVEL NEWS***
A truckload of E45 has overturned on its way to Sam from Cheers’ house. Agnetha from ABBA happened to be passing, so is helping to clear up the mess with a shovel.
See that girl.
Watch that scene.
Diggin’ the Danson cream.
*reading law book* oh no I think I’m in a common law marriage with Taco Bell