“Vintage designer purses are not a retirement plan,” says my accountant while rubbing his temples.
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Sorry I borrowed your pen and performed that emergency tracheotomy that turned out not to be an emergency.
And sorry about your neck hole.
[3am – a knock on the door]
me: jfc do u know what time it is?
salesman: *pulls out a box* cheesecake time
me: *considers intensely* come in
WIFE: Do you think men and women are just hardwired differently?
ME [drinking a bottle of shampoo]: *bubble noises*
I use my teethbrush then go play feetball and commit arms robbery. Just giving you a head up.
– people with the right amount of body parts
Boomers: People are too sensitive and need to toughen up
Millennials: People need to care more and help each other out
Gen X: Die Hard is a Christmas movie
[on a date]
HER: any accomplishments?
ME: yeah, i’m an award winning [eyes darting around] award winning [sees a dog] dog… liker
HER: awww
Doctor: you need to include more fruits and vegetables in your diet
Me: I hear the words but they’re not making any sense
Hey! Remember how fat your arms are?
-Summer
How to get a girl to like you:
1. Become a lion tamer
2. Release a lion on her
3. Tame it right before it kills her
4. Take her to Chili’s?
There is a football player named Drew Sample?
He missed his true calling of phlebotomy.
We met for coffee yada yada yada next thing I know we’re in the back of my car covered in lobsters and her dog is driving us to the ER
am i a vampire? i :
– look great in black
– won’t come to your home unless formally invited
– avoid natural sunlight at all costs
– will die if stabbed through the heart with a stake
Police say Oscar Pistorius is a flight risk. How? Does he also have a pair of propeller feet?
My cousin stuffed her turkey and put it in her oven, which is not turned on, with the intention to store it there overnight rather than the fridge. “There’s no room.”
This is why you can’t eat just anybody’s food.
This time tomorrow that whole household will be at the ER.
H: “You’re walking funny”
me: I hurt myself in the hot tub
H: “Did you fall in?”
me: …
me: … sure.
*lady shares a wallet photo of her son*
*i pull out a 20-part accordion wallet photo set of my dogs*
So if Mary had baby Jesus, and baby Jesus was the Lamb of God…
Did Mary have a little lamb?
MTV is shutting down, which really doesn’t affect me much now, but my teenage self is completely devastated.
The hardest part of making new friends is weeding out the people who just want to sell you leggings.
I’m just saying, instead of calling it a “mule”, it would have made more sense to call it a honkey.
The Avengers were horrified until they realized most of the people who disappeared when Thanos snapped his fingers were people who don’t realize turn signals exist.
[Dinner with GF’s parents]
Thank you for having me over, can I use the bathroom?
“MAY I use the bathroom”
*slams fists down*
I ASKED FIRST
You’re telling me this man will loan me a shark?
She was like “wrong hole”, so I said “adventurous on the e-harmony profile isn’t knitting quilts Velma”, long story short I’m still single.
Before I take a shower: I hate it in there, the wet world is a bad place
While in the shower: I remember now that this is a good place, it is the dry world that is the enemy
Poetry is my passion
Don’t assume Wal-Mart sells walls. Unless you want an argument about existential reality with an 85-year-old greeter.
I was killing this rap battle until I said orange.
My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.
I wish the Antiques Roadshow guy had just told me how much my swords were worth without getting all nosy about where the blood came from.