[Takes dog to park]
*waits for romantic comedy to begin
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“Hello, my name’s Drew and I’m an addict”
“Sir, this is a cheese counter”
A girl at work has the same shirt on as me, but I have a coffee stain down the front of mine, so it’s not awkward.
Me: Knock knock.
Psychic: Ha! Good one.
Happy Star Wars day!
You reach a certain age and you don’t look pensive anymore, you look like you need an ambulance
Me: Sir, is this corn maze GMO free?
Him: It’s five dollars.
the first thing you learn to draw in art school is money from your parents bank account
I accidentally took an extra step when I reached the top of the stairs and now I’m in a marching band.
9 out of 10 people agreed this meeting could’ve been a group nap.
The 10th one banned me from asking questions at future meetings.
*installs mirrors on the bedroom ceiling*
*watches myself not sleeping*
My only local Taco Bell has closed, please respect my privacy at this difficult time
My FIL found my husband’s childhood trumpet and then asked my 5yo if he wanted it. I don’t know what I did for that man to hate me so much, but apparently it was pretty bad.
Told my boss I would be turning in my badge and my gun. He said you work in IT, why do you have a gun.
HOW COME YOU NEVER HEAR THUNDER AROUND LIGHTNING BUGS?
My 4yo has been wrapping up his toys in newspaper and giving them to me as gifts all morning.
Really wishing right now I had bought him better shit.
Sorry I slowed down but I had to calculate if the bridge could hold the weight of my car with all the stuffed animals my kids insisted on bringing on vacation
When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid
Why DOES “February” have that extra R? It should just be “Februay.”
this kangaroo looks like it smells like AXE body spray
Just heard a coworker say “yeah they’re trying to live bicuriously through their children”
At the grocery store, buying 6 of the same item
Cashier: Are these good?
Me: No. I’m buying all of them just to save others from suffering
When a kidnapper gives you* back because you’re too annoying to be around anymore, that’s called getting ridnapped
*me
PEOPLE WITH CHRONICALLY MOIST HANDS:
When you have dry lips, rub them on your palms.
I call it Lip palm.
It’s free.
#StillHurts
“Uh, Mom?” said my 6 year old. “Look at your child.”
So I looked, and there, sitting cross-legged in a miniature lawn chair, was my 2 year old drinking A1 sauce straight out of the bottle.
me: i dont want any kids
person: *low chuckle* oh, you’ll change your mind.
me: *grabs them by collar* tell me more about the future, wizard
My coworker just proudly announced that he doesn’t believe in Santa Claus because he an athiest. Uh, sure bro, but also how about because you’re 34?
This gym has a very strict rule no denim jeans or jorts. But if you’re 300 lbs of muscle & attitude, apparently it’s merely a suggestion.
Her: “Want to see a picture of my baby?” Me: “Does it look like a baby?” Her: “Yes…” Me: “Seen it”
Someone suggested that I try Acupuncture. I don’t think adding more pricks will make a difference.