My kid asked me what day of the week it is and I wish she wouldn’t ask me such hard questions
You Might Also Like
You seem like the type of person I might give my heart to, but as nervously as I’d be watching a drunk holding a newborn.
Remember when you used Twitter to update friends & family on where you were, & what you were doing?
Yeah, me neither.
Not messing around
Contrary to what you might have heard, running away solves absolutely everything.
[inventing wind]
God: hand me some of the air from yesterday
Angel: what are you going to do?
God: I’m gonna make it angry
I think the ideal solution to my problems would be for me to get tenure. I don’t know exactly what tenure is but I think it could really turn things around for me.
*drops an avocado in the offering basket at church*
I love how girls say that they like a guy with a sense of humour and yet you’ll never find a poster of Mr Bean on their wall.
Called this psychic hotline today but a woman answered the phone saying “how can I help you?” So I hung up and tried another one.
You’ve got a lotta nerve showing up here and being right.
I get it, mayonnaise. I am also disgusting yet liked by many.
Side effect of quarantine is it’s really hard to end phone calls. Twice today I almost said “okay I have to run” before realizing there is nowhere to run to
I gently knocked a beetle off my lampshade to catch and release, it landed in my water which I poured into the sink to save it from drowning, and it ended up going down the drain. This is 2020.
One of our doctors has such good handwriting, I’m beginning to wonder if he’s really qualified.
when my period ends and i’m done with all the overly emotional outbursts
I used to think Urethra was the name of a heavy metal band, until I found out it was actually a brand of vacuum cleaner.
Pro-tip Ladies, try to refrain from plucking that one crazy hair from his nose while he’s sleeping. He won’t think it’s as funny as you do.
My husband called and asked if I could be naked before he gets home from work. I feel awkward sitting here with his mother, but whatever.
It frustrates me when people refuse to adopt the technology of the day and respond promptly to my faxes.
We need to keep kids off drugs. It’s hard enough to find them without kids buying them too
BANK WEBSITES: This transaction may take 2-3 business days to process.
Oh, ok, are the computers on vacation, or what?
[coworker starts talking to me at my cubicle]
Welp, nice chatting. This is my stop.
[puts in earbuds]
[driving home in silence]
Wife: ok, I’m sorry
Me: too late
Wife: you do quite a lot of them though
Me: no, apparently I “overuse” them
Wife: …
Me: there’s no such thing as overusing roundhouse kicks, Linda, especially at parties
Wife: funeral
WIFE: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because I name inanimate objects?
WIFE: no, it’s because you won’t stop wearing that eyepiece
ME: [looking perplexed] why do you hate Monoclewinsky?
[Snow White meets Seven Dwarfs]
SNOW WHITE: Why is your name Bashful?
BASHFUL: [recalling when he bashed in the 8th dwarf’s skull] No reason
It started out How did it end
with a Sith up like this?
*sees group of firemen standing around a campfire*
me: hEY leave that little guy alone
me: I want you to be you but also all mine
pizza: [cheesing seductively]
can you read it!!??
maan!
Getting older means having to put a daily stop to the romance between my left and right eyebrows before they become One.