The problem with teaching a man to fish is that eventually somebody will microwave that fish in the work break room.
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[Jumps into taxi]
“FOLLOW…”
[taxi driver turns around excitedly]
“…ME ON TWITTER”
[Jumps out & moonwalks into Olive garden]
BRIDE: *tosses her wedding bouquet in my direction*
ME: *dives out of the way*
[tarot card reading]
*flips card*
You will be a King
*flips card*
And find a beautiful queen
*flips card*
Oh my, you will be clubbed TWICECustomer: …is that a regular deck of cards?
I’m a people person. I live in a house home where I enjoy food meals and listening to music songs.
9:30 a.m. Gonna buy a sandwich for later
9:33 a.m. technically this is later
Galadriel told Frodo only he could destroy the ring. Smokey Bear said only YOU can prevent wildfires. Frodo did his job; did you do yours?
I had a jacket stolen from me tonight. My enemies will stop at nothing to keep me from maintaining a comfortable body temperature in style
Mom: “Do you want this?”
Me: “No.”
Mom: “Ok I’ll give it to your brother.”
Me: “No I want it.”
Why do smurfs laugh when they run? Because the grass tickles their balls 😂
Not to brag but I already took down the Easter Tree
Henchman: boss I need to take Thursday and Friday off
Mob Boss: ok but please have all your crimes done by Wednesday end of day
pet owner’s tip: glue the very tip of your cat’s tail to the center of their back to make a convenient cat-carrying handle.
Villain: Does crimes.
Super Villain: Does crimes, uses self-aggrandizing adjectives.
Me: *reading article about woman with brain worm* “Oh my god, gross!”
My brain worm: “I know! Yuck!”
A new study suggests that a future study will completely contradict this study.
DR: call me with any questions
[phone rings 20 min later]
DR: hello…?
ME: you like dogs?
Done with work today.
The work day isn’t over, I’m just done with it
Me: I need a “pick me up”
Guy working the crane:
YouTuber: if you like this video smash that subscribe button
Hulk: way ahead of you bud
[1st ever peacock to open up his tail]
hey fellas, I dunno what it is, but
i. feel. fantastic.
If you’re willing to wait long enough, a closer parking spot near the gym will open up and you can let someone else have it while you go get donuts.
Gonna shake things up and start signing emails off with, “In loving memory of, Me”
I find it odd that when someone dies we refer to them as late, my late Aunt Polly. Aunt Polly isn’t late, she’s not coming.
Remember to practice self-care: Take a walk, meditate, try yoga, paint a picture, murder someone, burn a body, clean a crime scene…
Just so u know guys I literally covered my roommates bed in 324 pieces of cornbread 2 make it a “cornbed” so ur fakes puns mean nothing 2 me
I keep smelling ammonia in my apartment so obviously my organs are failing and I’m going to die. Or a neighbor is cleaning.
Where can I buy a purebred chupacabra on short notice?
*ties a little bow around insect’s head, presents lovely gift to Canadian entomologist*
Pretty fly for a white guy.
I just texted a friend a super hilarious meme and all he did was give it a thumbs up. I’ve never been more angry.
Me: Can you recommend books to me?
Librarian: Sure, they’re great